1
00:00:47,112 --> 00:00:49,489
Bro! Excuse me! Sorry.
2
00:01:03,586 --> 00:01:04,796
Left.
3
00:01:22,847 --> 00:01:26,100
Stop sign, left.
4
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:55,337
One, two, three, four, five.
5
00:01:56,505 --> 00:01:58,382
On the right.
6
00:02:14,064 --> 00:02:14,899
Mr. Burnz?
7
00:02:15,941 --> 00:02:17,776
Are you Charlie Burnz?
8
00:02:18,294 --> 00:02:20,213
Charlie Burnz, I'm talking to you.
9
00:02:21,255 --> 00:02:23,299
Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.
10
00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:46,197
{\an8}Sweep up a little bit. Make sure
all the props are in the right spot.
11
00:02:46,646 --> 00:02:48,533
{\an8}- Hey, Marge?
- Hey, Charlie.
12
00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:50,179
{\an8}Where is everybody?
13
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:54,330
{\an8}Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.
14
00:02:54,414 --> 00:02:58,668
{\an8}Oh, right. Well, I had a long weekend.
15
00:02:58,751 --> 00:03:00,837
{\an8}All right, take it easy. All right.
16
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,798
{\an8}Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!
17
00:03:04,378 --> 00:03:05,956
Yeah, we made sure to take a lot of care
18
00:03:06,008 --> 00:03:09,095
and not offend anybody
with this next sketch, so please strap in
19
00:03:09,178 --> 00:03:10,805
and, you know, enjoy.
20
00:03:10,888 --> 00:03:11,806
Okay, so this is...
21
00:03:11,889 --> 00:03:15,133
This is an infomercial
for a brand-new comedy album.
22
00:03:15,158 --> 00:03:18,855
We start with shots of planets and stars,
just these beautiful shots of space.
23
00:03:18,938 --> 00:03:22,023
And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.
24
00:03:22,507 --> 00:03:25,344
In the tradition of George Carlin
and Richard Pryor,
25
00:03:25,427 --> 00:03:27,304
we bring you the next comedy voice.
26
00:03:27,388 --> 00:03:30,641
And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.
27
00:03:32,268 --> 00:03:34,728
But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.
28
00:03:34,812 --> 00:03:36,605
So he looks like he's at a comedy club.
29
00:03:36,689 --> 00:03:38,649
We have a microphone
where his computer is.
30
00:03:39,859 --> 00:03:46,198
Is it just me, but what's the deal
with black holes? Am I right?
31
00:03:48,993 --> 00:03:51,829
You people like impressions?
32
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,280
So how do you think the meeting went?
33
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,992
Some very funny ideas.
34
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:06,371
But, Brad, somebody's got to talk
to Roger about his inflections.
35
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:08,540
I know, I know. I think he gets nervous.
36
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:09,791
No, come on.
37
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,918
George Carlin, Richard Pryor.
38
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:16,047
My God, Stephen Hawking pronounced
his name better than he does.
39
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:17,674
Here's one for the news segment.
40
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,635
Or as Roger calls it, the news "seg-ment."
41
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,596
All right, I'll give this to the guys.
42
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,890
By the way, there's a new invention
called computers.
43
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,308
You may wanna get one.
44
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,894
You know, I had one, but I like this.
45
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,271
We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.
46
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:35,233
I like the fact that the key leaves a mark
that wasn't there a second ago.
47
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:38,111
But I did treat myself to one of these.
48
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,697
Look at you. You know how to work it?
49
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,909
Absolutely, unless I wanna send an e-mail,
a text, or make a phone call.
50
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,744
- Oh, that's not important.
- Not at all.
51
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,455
- Wanna get something to eat?
- I have a lunch date.
52
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,165
Look at you, Mr. Social.
53
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:53,335
It's someone who won an auction
to have lunch with me at the charity event
54
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,003
for inner-city libraries.
55
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:56,129
Sounds like a blast.
56
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:06,181
This restaurant nice. Excuse me.
57
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,058
Oh, no.
58
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,185
Sorry. Bye.
59
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,646
Maybe you, sir. Hello.
60
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:16,691
Oh, Phil Donahue. Nice to meet you.
61
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:20,654
- The hell was that all about?
- Sir, hi.
62
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,907
Oh, no, sorry, sorry to bother you.
Wrong person.
63
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,659
Excuse me. Bye-bye.
64
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,412
Excuse me. Are you, by any chance,
looking for me?
65
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,747
I'm Charlie Burnz.
66
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,541
- You gotta be shitting me.
- What?
67
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:33,625
This was you?
68
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,544
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
69
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,462
You took some hits along the way, huh?
70
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:40,048
Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.
71
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:43,552
That was actually taken on the Mayflower.
I did win the shuffleboard tournament.
72
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,889
Well, belated congratulations.
I'm Emma Payge.
73
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,016
- Emma, pleasure, thank you. Sit down.
- Sorry I'm late.
74
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,270
Don't worry about it. Not a problem.
Glad you're here.
75
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,397
And thank you for bidding
on me at the auction.
76
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,275
I'm so flattered that somebody your age
would be a fan of my work.
77
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,027
- Truth?
- Sure.
78
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,113
I don't know who the hell you are.
79
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,156
My ex bid on you.
80
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,783
- You didn't?
- Nope.
81
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:08,952
How did this...?
82
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,288
Well, he's an actor,
and he was doing a scene
83
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,164
from one of your plays
in his acting class,
84
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,000
and he wanted to meet you,
so he bid.
85
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,253
- How much?
- Twenty-two.
86
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:22,591
- $2200? That's fantastic.
- $2200, my ass!
87
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,551
$22.
88
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,053
$22 was the winning bid?
89
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:32,058
It started at 20, and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.
90
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,394
Oh, that's so sad.
91
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:37,188
Hello. Welcome to Le Monde.
92
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:39,399
I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?
93
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,859
- Have you eaten here before?
- No.
94
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:44,779
They have the greatest steak sandwich.
That's all I get. It's fantastic.
95
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,907
That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.
96
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,661
- Okay. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...
97
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:56,041
Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari, and extra crab meat?
98
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,628
- Of course. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...
99
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:03,757
Oh, and can I have a lobster tail
right on top, with extra mussels?
100
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:04,841
Lots of mussels.
101
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,011
The ones from New Zealand, not from Jersey
because they got black hairs.
102
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,555
Who knows what's in those?
That can be really toxic.
103
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:14,184
Are you done? Because there are
a few species you haven't mentioned yet.
104
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,769
Go ahead.
105
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,772
- I'm gonna have the...
- Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?
106
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,608
And for you, sir?
107
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,819
I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast, and an iced tea.
108
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:27,364
Very good.
109
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,575
Why would you order a tuna sandwich
when you said
110
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:32,327
they had the best steak sandwiches?
111
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,704
While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,
112
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,958
I developed a hankering
for the only fish left on the menu.
113
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,377
Touché, old man. Touché.
114
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:43,380
So let me ask you a question.
115
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,840
If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?
116
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,134
I caught him cheating on me.
117
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:51,638
And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.
118
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,766
And trust me, he is wrong, okay?
119
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,228
You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus Doleil."
120
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,648
Okay. Well, let's...
Let's get through lunch first.
121
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,526
- I'd break your back, old man.
- Thank you.
122
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,696
Yeah, have you laid out, dead,
with a smile on your face.
123
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:12,325
And your kids will be like,
"How did he die? How did my dad die?"
124
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,995
And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say,
125
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,121
on top of me.
126
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,626
That's a really lovely thought.
127
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:25,171
You funny, old man.
128
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:29,926
I'm glad I came, even if it was
to shove you up my ex's.
129
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,304
Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.
130
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,641
- Whoa, look what the tide brought in.
- Yeah.
131
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:38,810
- Thank you very much.
- Please enjoy.
132
00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:40,770
Emma, enjoy your buffet.
133
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:44,733
So... I take it you like comedy.
134
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,484
Nope.
135
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,903
You don't?
136
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:51,656
I mean, I love to laugh, but in real life.
You know what I'm saying?
137
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:56,161
Well, you know, that's what I do
in real life. I'm a comedy writer.
138
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,705
You ever watch This Just In
on Sunday nights on Funny?
139
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:04,920
I also write some Broadway and movies
and five books.
140
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,923
And what do you do?
141
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:11,551
Charlie, I don't feel so good.
142
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,929
Why is your face suddenly bigger
than it was before?
143
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:18,058
- I can't feel my lips.
- Oh, are you allergic to seafood?
144
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,643
Oh, , maybe I am.
145
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,810
What should I do?
146
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,147
- Call the hospital. Call the hospital!
- What? What?
147
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,857
Call the hospital!
148
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,436
Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!
149
00:09:28,519 --> 00:09:30,438
I do not know. Let me check the Web.
150
00:09:30,521 --> 00:09:32,732
- Dial the nearest hospital!
- Is everything all right?
151
00:09:32,815 --> 00:09:35,484
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?
152
00:09:35,568 --> 00:09:36,485
I didn't do anything!
153
00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:37,737
These are Jersey mussels!
154
00:09:37,820 --> 00:09:40,030
- What?
- I knew they were Jersey mussels!
155
00:09:40,114 --> 00:09:42,950
- Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
- I need emergency. Emergency.
156
00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:44,034
This is an emergency.
157
00:09:46,495 --> 00:09:48,330
Everybody, calm down. Everybody, relax.
158
00:09:48,414 --> 00:09:52,042
- We should call the ambulance.
- Siri! What is wrong with you?
159
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:55,421
Ma'am, have you had an allergic reaction
to seafood before?
160
00:09:56,255 --> 00:09:58,466
You just randomly ordered,
and this is what happened?
161
00:09:58,549 --> 00:10:02,803
- I had a hankering.
- Okay, just relax. We're almost there.
162
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,597
You're gonna be okay.
163
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,891
Charlie? Charlie.
164
00:10:07,502 --> 00:10:11,214
You're all I've got, Charlie,
don't leave me!
165
00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:29,716
Oh, boy.
166
00:10:32,051 --> 00:10:33,845
Mr. Burnz?
167
00:10:35,489 --> 00:10:37,657
Oh, I'm not supposed
to fill these forms out.
168
00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:40,619
- What's your relation to Miss Payge?
- She won me in an auction.
169
00:10:42,162 --> 00:10:43,330
Fine, don't believe me.
170
00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:44,664
She doesn't have insurance,
171
00:10:44,748 --> 00:10:47,375
and she really shouldn't be leaving here
by herself.
172
00:10:47,459 --> 00:10:49,002
No insurance?
173
00:10:49,085 --> 00:10:50,545
Okay.
174
00:10:50,629 --> 00:10:52,130
$1100?
175
00:10:52,756 --> 00:10:55,175
Yes. And you'll get the ambulance bill
in the mail.
176
00:10:56,218 --> 00:10:58,011
You can pay me on the way out.
177
00:10:58,595 --> 00:11:01,181
- Your daughter is going to be fine.
- My d...?
178
00:11:01,264 --> 00:11:03,141
Great. Isn't that great?
179
00:11:03,225 --> 00:11:06,853
She told me all about how you adopted her
from that orphanage in Kenya.
180
00:11:06,937 --> 00:11:08,730
- That's very special.
- Oh, she told you?
181
00:11:08,814 --> 00:11:10,690
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well...
182
00:11:10,774 --> 00:11:13,109
Well, she is special.
183
00:11:13,193 --> 00:11:14,903
Well, this is a pretty severe reaction.
184
00:11:14,986 --> 00:11:17,113
Are there other allergies
that I should know about?
185
00:11:17,197 --> 00:11:19,449
Well, I think really you should talk
to her about that
186
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:22,911
or I can put you in touch
with one of the elders of her tribe.
187
00:11:22,994 --> 00:11:25,539
You could ask for Mbolo.
188
00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:28,667
It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.
189
00:11:28,750 --> 00:11:30,752
A little longer
may have been a different story.
190
00:11:30,836 --> 00:11:32,838
Here are her prescriptions.
191
00:11:32,921 --> 00:11:34,798
Pharmacy is that way.
192
00:11:38,468 --> 00:11:39,928
$600?
193
00:11:41,638 --> 00:11:43,807
So far, a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.
194
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:46,601
- Welcome to New York, pal.
- What's this?
195
00:11:46,685 --> 00:11:49,271
That's epinephrine.
You need to inject her within the hour.
196
00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:50,856
- And if I don't?
- She'll die.
197
00:11:52,388 --> 00:11:53,389
Next.
198
00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:01,487
"Slippery when wet?"
199
00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:03,697
- You looked?
- I had to. I really...
200
00:12:03,781 --> 00:12:07,243
I had to. That's not something you wanna
do with your eyes closed. Believe me.
201
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:10,246
It could have ended up someplace
that we would not be happy about.
202
00:12:11,914 --> 00:12:16,127
Thank you. I promise I will pay you back
every dime that you laid out.
203
00:12:16,210 --> 00:12:18,337
You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?
204
00:12:18,421 --> 00:12:20,840
Like you shot me up
with five six-hour energy drinks.
205
00:12:20,923 --> 00:12:24,176
So I've got about a good 30 hours
of energy! I'm lit!
206
00:12:25,886 --> 00:12:27,805
- Can I ask you something?
- What?
207
00:12:27,888 --> 00:12:29,723
Why did you tell the doctor
that I was your father?
208
00:12:29,807 --> 00:12:32,476
I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.
209
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,687
And the orphanage story?
210
00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:36,272
I was a little loopy by then.
211
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,065
I'm sure that was the mussels talking.
212
00:12:38,149 --> 00:12:40,067
Yup, those mussels
were definitely talking.
213
00:12:40,151 --> 00:12:41,986
Yeah, must have been.
214
00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:44,739
Well, listen, try to get some rest.
215
00:12:44,822 --> 00:12:46,907
Do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.
216
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,535
I'll be fine.
217
00:12:49,618 --> 00:12:52,997
Look, I wanna apologize to you
for saying all that stuff about my ex.
218
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,623
I should have never done that.
219
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,418
You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.
220
00:12:57,501 --> 00:13:00,755
- Hey, I understand. This way out?
- Yep, that way.
221
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:03,632
- Perky.
- Yeah.
222
00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:16,379
Good try.
223
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,676
- All right, that's...
- It's all right. It's a base hit.
224
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,530
Sorry, Rex. That's a match.
225
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:40,095
Listen, Dad...
226
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:45,517
Francine wants to know if you are coming
to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.
227
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,855
My daughter wants to know if I'm coming
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
228
00:13:49,938 --> 00:13:52,566
- Why wouldn't I?
- She says you never RSVP'd.
229
00:13:54,109 --> 00:13:57,863
Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?
230
00:13:57,946 --> 00:13:59,740
Dad, don't be upset.
You know how she gets.
231
00:13:59,823 --> 00:14:01,491
It'll be a fun day. We'll be together.
232
00:14:01,575 --> 00:14:03,952
I don't want Lindsay to think
that I wasn't gonna come.
233
00:14:04,036 --> 00:14:06,246
Who knows what your sister says to her?
234
00:14:06,330 --> 00:14:08,248
Just give her a call.
235
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:13,503
This was fun. I'll see you next week?
236
00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:16,173
When I lose to you, again.
237
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,674
I gotta go.
238
00:14:17,758 --> 00:14:20,469
I have a 3:00. I'm a little nervous.
239
00:14:20,552 --> 00:14:24,348
I'm submitting my design
for a new building in Union Square.
240
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,934
Well, it could be a big thing for me.
241
00:14:27,017 --> 00:14:29,394
I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.
242
00:14:29,478 --> 00:14:32,606
Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.
243
00:14:33,315 --> 00:14:34,441
About what?
244
00:14:36,693 --> 00:14:38,612
For my building, for the design.
245
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:43,492
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
246
00:14:44,493 --> 00:14:46,161
Yeah. I'll see you.
247
00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:49,706
I'm gonna call her right now.
248
00:14:49,790 --> 00:14:52,209
Daddy! Daddy!
249
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,502
Daddy!
250
00:14:53,585 --> 00:14:54,711
Daddy!
251
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:57,880
I did something wrong, Daddy!
252
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:00,716
I'm scared! Daddy!
253
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,928
Daddy!
254
00:15:12,938 --> 00:15:16,483
Oh, hi. This is... Craziest thing. I...
255
00:15:16,566 --> 00:15:19,361
- I forgot what locker I was using.
- That's okay.
256
00:15:19,444 --> 00:15:20,404
I have a master.
257
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,533
- Let's start with this row.
- Okay, good.
258
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:51,184
That's perfect.
259
00:15:51,268 --> 00:15:54,479
You're gonna crush this.
Give me a high-five.
260
00:15:55,731 --> 00:15:58,525
I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.
261
00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:02,696
Yeah. I'm just getting a little nervous
about my speech.
262
00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:05,991
- Have you started writing it yet?
- Yeah.
263
00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:11,668
It's your grandfather.
264
00:16:12,956 --> 00:16:13,874
Hi, Papa Charlie.
265
00:16:13,957 --> 00:16:16,793
Hey, Lindsay, honey.
How's my bat mitzvah girl?
266
00:16:16,877 --> 00:16:18,128
Good.
267
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,588
Ask him if he's coming.
268
00:16:19,671 --> 00:16:21,465
What do you mean? Grandpa's not coming?
269
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,508
- Are you coming?
- That's why I'm calling.
270
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,763
Of course I'm coming.
I wouldn't miss that for the world.
271
00:16:27,846 --> 00:16:31,183
- Great. I'm so happy.
- Hey, when you're happy, I'm happy.
272
00:16:31,266 --> 00:16:35,187
- Can I speak to your Mom?
- Tell him I can't talk to him right now.
273
00:16:36,939 --> 00:16:39,274
She said she'll call you back.
274
00:16:39,858 --> 00:16:41,652
Yeah. Okay.
275
00:16:41,735 --> 00:16:43,195
I can't wait to see you.
276
00:16:43,278 --> 00:16:44,529
I can't wait to see you too.
277
00:16:44,613 --> 00:16:47,532
So tell me. You got a pretty dress?
278
00:16:47,616 --> 00:16:49,326
You're gonna have to see when you come.
279
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,620
Okay.
280
00:16:52,913 --> 00:16:55,290
Can you help me with my speech?
281
00:16:55,374 --> 00:16:58,335
Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.
282
00:16:59,503 --> 00:17:03,006
- Yeah.
- Okay, kid. See you soon.
283
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:05,425
I had a bad day.
284
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,721
Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.
285
00:17:09,805 --> 00:17:15,936
I... I couldn't remember
where my locker was in my health club.
286
00:17:16,019 --> 00:17:18,188
I've been going there for years.
287
00:17:18,814 --> 00:17:20,691
So damn embarrassing.
288
00:17:20,774 --> 00:17:22,609
That should be expected.
289
00:17:23,036 --> 00:17:26,831
Don't panic.
Are you doing what we talked about?
290
00:17:27,489 --> 00:17:30,200
Yeah. I tried not to vary my routine.
291
00:17:30,284 --> 00:17:34,429
I walk the same way to work every day.
I eat right.
292
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,331
Getting some exercise.
293
00:17:36,415 --> 00:17:38,834
And I'm taking my meds.
294
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:41,586
And by the way, that Namenda.
295
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:44,589
Oh, man, it's so constipating.
296
00:17:44,673 --> 00:17:46,049
- It... Sorry?
- Sorry about that.
297
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:50,220
I was backed up for eight days. I felt
like a python that had swallowed a deer.
298
00:17:51,555 --> 00:17:55,392
Charlie, you have medicines
to help you with that,
299
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,394
and you can always give yourself an enema.
300
00:17:57,477 --> 00:18:02,024
I'm saving that for my birthday.
A little something special just for me.
301
00:18:02,983 --> 00:18:04,067
How are you sleeping?
302
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:08,405
Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?
303
00:18:09,323 --> 00:18:11,283
Maybe I get four hours, maybe.
304
00:18:11,366 --> 00:18:13,285
And what about those flashbacks?
305
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:16,455
That's the craziest thing.
306
00:18:16,538 --> 00:18:20,083
I can forget what I had for lunch
while I'm having lunch.
307
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,878
But then, something flies into my head,
like, bam!
308
00:18:22,961 --> 00:18:26,340
It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.
309
00:18:26,423 --> 00:18:28,050
And it's like I'm there.
310
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:32,029
Like I can see it like I saw it
way back then. It doesn't...
311
00:18:32,054 --> 00:18:35,682
It's almost like I can smell things.
And then, black.
312
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:39,144
It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.
313
00:18:39,227 --> 00:18:41,229
It's the craziest thing.
314
00:18:43,732 --> 00:18:47,402
- How's the writing going?
- I think it helps.
315
00:18:47,486 --> 00:18:51,073
It keeps my mind active, and it helps
strengthen my denial.
316
00:18:51,156 --> 00:18:54,451
You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.
317
00:18:54,823 --> 00:18:58,577
I'm like the old man on the block whose
yard you don't wanna hit the ball into.
318
00:18:59,164 --> 00:19:01,959
But I still get stuff on the air.
319
00:19:02,042 --> 00:19:04,461
I still help shape the show,
320
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:08,090
and when one of my jokes hits right,
and the audience laughs,
321
00:19:08,173 --> 00:19:09,591
there's still nothing like it.
322
00:19:09,675 --> 00:19:12,135
And I still love it.
323
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,388
Good. I think you're doing well.
324
00:19:14,471 --> 00:19:19,184
We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.
325
00:19:19,268 --> 00:19:23,897
Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.
326
00:19:24,176 --> 00:19:27,345
There's a lot we still don't know
about this kind of dementia.
327
00:19:29,152 --> 00:19:29,987
Okay.
328
00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:10,173
Hey, hey, hey.
329
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:15,119
I was going up the right, when I got
into a head-on collision with
330
00:20:15,203 --> 00:20:18,540
who was coming down on the right side,
but really that's his left side.
331
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,337
And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!
332
00:20:20,362 --> 00:20:22,095
How did you know where I live?
333
00:20:22,779 --> 00:20:24,113
- Google.
- Google?
334
00:20:24,197 --> 00:20:25,823
- Here.
- What's this?
335
00:20:25,907 --> 00:20:28,826
The first installment
of the money I owe you.
336
00:20:30,453 --> 00:20:32,413
You're a pole dancer?
337
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:36,960
God, no. And this coming from a man
that makes America laugh for a living.
338
00:20:37,043 --> 00:20:38,336
My knee!
339
00:20:38,698 --> 00:20:42,451
I'll clean you up a little bit,
and then we can rinse out your mouth.
340
00:20:42,535 --> 00:20:43,995
Come on.
341
00:20:45,621 --> 00:20:49,834
Oh, okay, okay,
342
00:20:50,793 --> 00:20:51,878
Jeez.
343
00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:56,757
Man, this dude is doing it. This is nice.
344
00:20:57,925 --> 00:21:00,011
{\an8}You know a lot of old white people.
345
00:21:00,803 --> 00:21:03,055
Oprah Winfrey?
346
00:21:04,223 --> 00:21:05,975
"For Carrie"?
347
00:21:07,184 --> 00:21:08,686
Okay, here we go.
348
00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:13,190
According to this wall, not only are you
ancient, but you're also famous.
349
00:21:13,274 --> 00:21:14,150
Sit here.
350
00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:17,585
You a serial killer?
351
00:21:17,669 --> 00:21:20,588
- What do you mean?
- Well, isn't that what serial killers do?
352
00:21:20,867 --> 00:21:24,495
Collect pictures of everyone they
butchered and buried in their backyard?
353
00:21:25,427 --> 00:21:27,053
Other knee.
354
00:21:29,152 --> 00:21:31,154
Oh, that's my family.
355
00:21:31,988 --> 00:21:34,407
Why do you have
their names written down?
356
00:21:35,116 --> 00:21:38,870
I'm writing something about them,
and it helps me stay focused.
357
00:21:39,871 --> 00:21:41,206
How did you become a writer?
358
00:21:42,415 --> 00:21:45,210
I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.
359
00:21:46,002 --> 00:21:47,671
When I was a kid I thought it was fun
360
00:21:47,754 --> 00:21:49,923
to take the truth
and make it more interesting.
361
00:21:50,632 --> 00:21:51,633
So you're a liar?
362
00:21:52,843 --> 00:21:54,554
I'm just kidding.
363
00:21:55,584 --> 00:21:56,626
What was here?
364
00:21:57,294 --> 00:21:59,296
There was some picture that fell.
365
00:21:59,379 --> 00:22:01,339
Housekeeper
put it someplace, I don't know.
366
00:22:02,007 --> 00:22:03,508
Listen, I gotta get back to work.
367
00:22:03,592 --> 00:22:06,595
You gotta get back to making up shit
because your real life is boring?
368
00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:08,764
Something like that, yeah.
369
00:22:09,264 --> 00:22:12,350
Thanks for bringing me the bag
of laundered money.
370
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:14,352
The Corleones will be very pleased.
371
00:22:15,604 --> 00:22:17,064
But you didn't have to do that.
372
00:22:17,147 --> 00:22:19,900
That's where you're wrong,
old man. I did.
373
00:22:21,153 --> 00:22:26,075
Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.
374
00:22:26,701 --> 00:22:28,995
A cheesy ad for a law firm.
375
00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:31,205
Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.
376
00:22:31,289 --> 00:22:32,874
And I'm Lorraine Loomis.
377
00:22:32,957 --> 00:22:34,208
When we got married,
378
00:22:34,292 --> 00:22:37,753
the rules of dating were much
less confusing than they are today.
379
00:22:37,837 --> 00:22:39,255
And that's where we come in.
380
00:22:39,338 --> 00:22:40,548
We're the Refs.
381
00:22:42,341 --> 00:22:44,385
We go on your dates with you.
382
00:22:44,468 --> 00:22:46,262
Maintaining a safe distance.
383
00:22:46,345 --> 00:22:47,638
So if there's any hanky...
384
00:22:47,722 --> 00:22:48,639
Or panky.
385
00:22:48,723 --> 00:22:51,934
We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.
386
00:22:52,018 --> 00:22:53,853
So there's no misunderstandings
387
00:22:53,936 --> 00:22:56,856
that could lead
to accusations and lawsuits.
388
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,568
We deal with the he said-she said
aspects of miscommunication.
389
00:23:00,651 --> 00:23:04,739
For example, you're in a parked car
and she says, "Would you like to kiss me?"
390
00:23:04,822 --> 00:23:06,407
But he said she said:
391
00:23:06,490 --> 00:23:08,784
"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ?"
392
00:23:12,371 --> 00:23:14,498
Very different, isn't it?
393
00:23:14,999 --> 00:23:16,167
- We think so.
- We think so.
394
00:23:16,667 --> 00:23:19,253
Or if you're at the top
of the Ferris wheel,
395
00:23:19,337 --> 00:23:20,379
and he says:
396
00:23:20,463 --> 00:23:23,674
"I really don't like heights."
But she says he said:
397
00:23:23,758 --> 00:23:25,801
"Wanna see a picture
of my rottweiler's balls?"
398
00:23:28,763 --> 00:23:30,973
Now you see why you need us?
399
00:23:31,515 --> 00:23:34,644
We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,
400
00:23:34,727 --> 00:23:37,063
subpoenas, and defamation suits.
401
00:23:37,146 --> 00:23:39,398
- "Sub-poena"?
- Yeah, remember we're on your side.
402
00:23:39,482 --> 00:23:41,150
No matter what side that is.
403
00:23:41,234 --> 00:23:43,110
- We're Loomis.
- And Loomis.
404
00:23:43,194 --> 00:23:44,904
And we'll see you in court...
405
00:23:44,987 --> 00:23:46,030
- Ship.
- Ship.
406
00:23:51,285 --> 00:23:52,954
That's good. That was good.
407
00:23:53,037 --> 00:23:54,038
It's subtle.
408
00:23:54,121 --> 00:23:55,540
- Yeah.
- So...
409
00:23:55,623 --> 00:23:59,252
Okay, good job.
Next sketch is from Darrell.
410
00:24:00,002 --> 00:24:02,213
Thomas Crapper Jr.
411
00:24:02,296 --> 00:24:05,216
We open on a 19th century
British schoolyard.
412
00:24:05,299 --> 00:24:08,094
A group of 9-year-old children
are milling about
413
00:24:08,177 --> 00:24:11,389
and trying to figure out what they want
to do now that school is let out.
414
00:24:11,472 --> 00:24:13,349
Wanna come over to my house?
415
00:24:13,432 --> 00:24:15,643
No. Your house smells.
416
00:24:15,726 --> 00:24:16,894
How about my house?
417
00:24:17,395 --> 00:24:20,189
No. Your house smells too.
418
00:24:20,273 --> 00:24:22,024
My house doesn't smell.
419
00:24:22,264 --> 00:24:23,098
How come?
420
00:24:23,651 --> 00:24:25,444
I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.
421
00:24:25,528 --> 00:24:28,322
My father invented the flush toilet.
422
00:24:28,406 --> 00:24:30,908
Then let's go over to his house.
423
00:24:32,785 --> 00:24:34,203
All right, all right.
424
00:24:36,789 --> 00:24:39,083
All right, guys. Very funny stuff.
425
00:24:39,166 --> 00:24:41,127
Let's put together a show.
426
00:24:41,799 --> 00:24:42,920
Refs.
427
00:24:43,963 --> 00:24:46,465
You guys wrote a really funny sketch.
428
00:24:47,091 --> 00:24:48,301
But...
429
00:24:48,926 --> 00:24:52,346
But what? Sarah and Roger were hilarious.
430
00:24:52,430 --> 00:24:53,598
- Correct.
- I don't know.
431
00:24:53,681 --> 00:24:55,474
I don't know. Charlie, what do you think?
432
00:24:55,558 --> 00:24:59,770
Very funny idea. But a thumb
up the , rottweiler's ...
433
00:24:59,854 --> 00:25:01,731
What are you talking about?
They got laughs.
434
00:25:01,814 --> 00:25:03,816
Of course they will. They always will.
435
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:05,359
But is it the right kind of laugh?
436
00:25:06,027 --> 00:25:07,653
Because it's a very smart idea.
437
00:25:08,362 --> 00:25:09,363
Angry Librarians?
438
00:25:09,447 --> 00:25:10,656
- So funny.
- You should do it.
439
00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:11,574
I agree.
440
00:25:12,116 --> 00:25:13,451
Thomas Crapper Jr.
441
00:25:13,534 --> 00:25:14,410
Hell, no.
442
00:25:14,493 --> 00:25:17,205
Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up
443
00:25:17,288 --> 00:25:19,290
but he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.
444
00:25:19,874 --> 00:25:20,958
It's not that bad.
445
00:25:22,501 --> 00:25:24,503
First of all,
if they spoke in English accents
446
00:25:24,587 --> 00:25:26,422
the way they were supposed to,
447
00:25:26,505 --> 00:25:29,675
it would've been a little bit better
but the whole thing's not framed right.
448
00:25:29,759 --> 00:25:31,802
Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.
449
00:25:35,264 --> 00:25:36,766
Listen, we hired Darrell
450
00:25:36,849 --> 00:25:40,478
because he wrote those
really funny essays for the Lampoon.
451
00:25:40,561 --> 00:25:42,396
I think it's a little hard
to make the leap
452
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,482
from print to live,
that's all. It takes time.
453
00:25:44,565 --> 00:25:45,942
You think he's a good writer?
454
00:25:47,652 --> 00:25:49,695
Yeah. I think it's in there.
455
00:25:49,779 --> 00:25:51,405
But I think it needs to be encouraged.
456
00:25:51,489 --> 00:25:54,534
Listen, you guys
are a very fast crowd to run with
457
00:25:54,617 --> 00:25:58,538
and I also think that Inflection Mangler
Roger should be hit in the head
458
00:25:58,621 --> 00:26:00,122
until he says "subpoena" right.
459
00:26:00,206 --> 00:26:03,918
I mean, come on. "Sub-poena,"
what is that? A very small poena?
460
00:26:04,001 --> 00:26:05,461
That's an inferior poena.
461
00:26:05,545 --> 00:26:08,756
An underground poena? I mean,
what is his problem?
462
00:26:09,757 --> 00:26:11,592
You know, but here's the thing.
463
00:26:11,884 --> 00:26:13,427
There's a music to comedy.
464
00:26:13,511 --> 00:26:15,429
There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.
465
00:26:15,513 --> 00:26:17,223
- He's out of tune.
- We're working on it.
466
00:26:17,306 --> 00:26:19,850
Keep working because it's driving me nuts.
467
00:26:19,934 --> 00:26:23,020
- All right. What's next?
- I have to go.
468
00:26:23,104 --> 00:26:26,399
- I'm sorry, I have my... Excuse me.
- Oh, right.
469
00:26:26,482 --> 00:26:28,484
- Yeah.
- Have a great time.
470
00:26:28,568 --> 00:26:29,402
Thanks.
471
00:26:30,319 --> 00:26:31,237
I wish I could go.
472
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,531
- Hey. You got a job.
- Yeah. All right.
473
00:26:33,614 --> 00:26:34,991
- Good night.
- Good night.
474
00:26:35,074 --> 00:26:36,158
Good night.
475
00:26:36,909 --> 00:26:39,829
They're honoring Charlie
476
00:26:39,912 --> 00:26:42,373
and the whole cast
at the American Film Society
477
00:26:42,456 --> 00:26:44,792
for the 30th anniversary
of Call Me Anytime.
478
00:26:45,501 --> 00:26:48,588
Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.
479
00:26:48,671 --> 00:26:51,299
Such a funny movie. Have you seen it?
480
00:26:52,008 --> 00:26:52,967
Yeah. It's great.
481
00:26:54,302 --> 00:26:56,470
All right. What's up?
482
00:26:58,347 --> 00:27:00,141
Look, you know I love Charlie.
483
00:27:00,808 --> 00:27:02,852
I know he gave you
your start and everything.
484
00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:04,729
But... come on.
485
00:27:05,229 --> 00:27:08,357
I just don't know what he brings
to the show anymore.
486
00:27:08,441 --> 00:27:10,443
Aside from 40 years' experience?
487
00:27:11,194 --> 00:27:13,446
And a body of work that includes shows
488
00:27:13,529 --> 00:27:15,489
that made it possible
for this show to exist?
489
00:27:17,950 --> 00:27:22,788
Look, I know how you
can question Charlie's value.
490
00:27:23,497 --> 00:27:26,626
But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.
491
00:27:27,376 --> 00:27:28,878
And he's my consigliere.
492
00:27:29,712 --> 00:27:33,007
When you write sketches with
a thumb up someone's ,
493
00:27:33,674 --> 00:27:35,218
or a rottweiler's ,
494
00:27:35,927 --> 00:27:38,679
he's the one who reminds me
what we should be putting on the air.
495
00:27:39,889 --> 00:27:43,517
Bottom-line, as long as
I am producing this show,
496
00:27:43,601 --> 00:27:45,061
Charlie will be here.
497
00:27:46,979 --> 00:27:49,273
- Okay?
- You got it.
498
00:27:49,357 --> 00:27:50,566
- All right.
- Yeah.
499
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,194
- Let's get back to work.
- Yeah.
500
00:28:03,007 --> 00:28:04,383
Close the door, close the door.
501
00:28:06,886 --> 00:28:07,845
Turn off the lights.
502
00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:12,941
Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.
503
00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:14,985
Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.
504
00:28:16,445 --> 00:28:20,073
Please welcome,
the director of Call Me Anytime,
505
00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:21,325
Barry Levinson.
506
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,660
Its writer, Charlie Burnz,
507
00:28:23,744 --> 00:28:27,998
and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.
508
00:28:34,151 --> 00:28:36,737
In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight
509
00:28:36,821 --> 00:28:39,031
just to be here, to do this instead.
510
00:28:39,115 --> 00:28:41,033
All right, so what's the
germ of all this?
511
00:28:41,117 --> 00:28:42,326
How did it all get started?
512
00:28:43,202 --> 00:28:48,541
Well, Charlie and I originally met
on The Carol Burnett Show ages ago.
513
00:28:48,624 --> 00:28:51,877
And he wrote a lot of very funny sketches.
514
00:28:52,503 --> 00:28:56,799
Shy guy, always called me Mr. Levinson.
515
00:28:56,882 --> 00:28:58,342
Even though we were friendly.
516
00:28:58,843 --> 00:29:03,764
All right, what happened was I read
Charlie's script and I thought:
517
00:29:03,848 --> 00:29:05,391
"Well this is a perfect film to do."
518
00:29:06,183 --> 00:29:09,437
So the next day, I get a call
from Barry and he says:
519
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,606
"I just read this script, it's terrific.
You gotta read it.
520
00:29:12,690 --> 00:29:14,400
The character, she's you."
521
00:29:14,483 --> 00:29:18,112
And I said, "She's completely compulsive,
she'll do anything. I'm in."
522
00:29:19,649 --> 00:29:25,572
And then the next day, he called me.
I read the script and then I was in.
523
00:29:25,953 --> 00:29:31,000
Literally three days later, we got a go.
And I called Charlie with the good news.
524
00:29:31,083 --> 00:29:34,253
And so Charlie, you get the call,
what did Barry say?
525
00:29:34,837 --> 00:29:35,838
Who?
526
00:29:36,589 --> 00:29:37,631
Mr. Levinson.
527
00:29:39,508 --> 00:29:43,345
It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.
528
00:29:43,429 --> 00:29:44,847
It's great to meet you.
529
00:29:44,930 --> 00:29:48,976
I was just thrilled and shocked that...
530
00:29:49,060 --> 00:29:50,269
Mr. Levinson.
531
00:29:54,690 --> 00:29:57,735
Wanted to direct my first...
This was my first screenplay.
532
00:29:57,818 --> 00:30:02,865
And that Kevin Kline was gonna play Ben,
and that... help me.
533
00:30:02,947 --> 00:30:04,909
- Meryl Streep.
- Hello.
534
00:30:05,826 --> 00:30:08,204
Was gonna play Iris.
535
00:30:08,287 --> 00:30:11,331
And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,
536
00:30:11,414 --> 00:30:13,125
this good news would've killed them.
537
00:30:14,918 --> 00:30:19,673
Charlie's work is... It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.
538
00:30:19,757 --> 00:30:23,177
And I think it shows
people as real people.
539
00:30:23,260 --> 00:30:24,887
It's exceptional writing.
540
00:30:32,978 --> 00:30:36,148
Hey, old man. You were great up there.
541
00:30:36,231 --> 00:30:38,818
Hey. You were inside?
542
00:30:38,901 --> 00:30:42,113
Yeah. And I loved it. Second installment.
543
00:30:42,195 --> 00:30:45,449
It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.
544
00:30:46,617 --> 00:30:49,578
Well, this is a lovely surprise.
545
00:30:49,662 --> 00:30:51,204
How'd you know about this?
546
00:30:51,288 --> 00:30:52,373
My loser ex.
547
00:30:52,456 --> 00:30:55,418
I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.
548
00:30:55,501 --> 00:30:56,669
I'm really sorry.
549
00:30:58,462 --> 00:31:01,424
No, I like seeing you up there.
It was so cool.
550
00:31:01,507 --> 00:31:03,342
You've done a lot of big things.
551
00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:04,510
I got lucky.
552
00:31:04,593 --> 00:31:07,221
Being good
ain't got nothing to do with luck.
553
00:31:07,972 --> 00:31:08,931
I guess.
554
00:31:10,933 --> 00:31:12,518
Why do you have birds in your hair?
555
00:31:12,601 --> 00:31:13,561
Why not?
556
00:31:14,103 --> 00:31:15,563
Shit, what time is it?
557
00:31:16,147 --> 00:31:17,815
I'm gonna be late for work.
558
00:31:17,898 --> 00:31:19,316
- I gotta go. Come with me.
- Work?
559
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:20,484
- Yeah. Come on.
- Now?
560
00:31:20,568 --> 00:31:21,402
Yeah.
561
00:31:21,485 --> 00:31:22,820
What do you do?
562
00:31:22,845 --> 00:31:25,518
Yeah, I come from a pretty small family.
563
00:31:26,852 --> 00:31:30,147
My mom and dad were singers.
564
00:31:30,231 --> 00:31:31,565
Mo and Jessie.
565
00:31:32,108 --> 00:31:34,026
They were kind of like
Ashford and Simpson.
566
00:31:34,110 --> 00:31:35,486
But they never made it big
567
00:31:35,569 --> 00:31:38,948
because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.
568
00:31:39,573 --> 00:31:42,368
We used to have a lot of fun,
they thought me how to harmonize,
569
00:31:42,868 --> 00:31:47,081
and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.
570
00:31:47,164 --> 00:31:51,419
And my mom, she had these
beautiful dreamcatchers that she makes.
571
00:31:51,502 --> 00:31:54,839
They live just outside of Charlotte.
I love them both to pieces.
572
00:31:55,381 --> 00:31:56,465
They sound great.
573
00:32:00,011 --> 00:32:02,346
I love the way
the air smells after it rains.
574
00:32:03,639 --> 00:32:07,518
Listen, if you ever need my help
with what you're going through right now,
575
00:32:08,185 --> 00:32:10,938
even if you need someone to talk to,
I'm here.
576
00:32:11,022 --> 00:32:14,400
Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?
577
00:32:15,109 --> 00:32:17,486
You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?
578
00:32:18,154 --> 00:32:19,822
Oh, that. I get a little tongue tied.
579
00:32:19,905 --> 00:32:21,240
I don't like being on-stage.
580
00:32:21,324 --> 00:32:22,450
And what stage were you on
581
00:32:22,533 --> 00:32:24,952
when you wrote your family's names
under their pictures?
582
00:32:25,036 --> 00:32:26,329
I told you, that's how I work.
583
00:32:26,412 --> 00:32:28,539
It's a project that I'm working on, and...
584
00:32:28,622 --> 00:32:31,917
Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.
585
00:32:36,047 --> 00:32:37,798
It started innocently enough.
586
00:32:38,549 --> 00:32:42,637
I'd have trouble remembering things.
A name, a place, a fork.
587
00:32:43,554 --> 00:32:45,514
And I think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.
588
00:32:45,598 --> 00:32:47,350
You know, you're having senior moments."
589
00:32:48,225 --> 00:32:50,269
But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,
590
00:32:50,353 --> 00:32:52,146
and I can't remember his name.
591
00:32:52,229 --> 00:32:54,190
He's going on and on and on.
592
00:32:54,273 --> 00:32:55,650
I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this?"
593
00:32:55,733 --> 00:32:58,069
Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.
594
00:32:58,152 --> 00:33:00,946
So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.
595
00:33:01,030 --> 00:33:06,369
And while I'm laughing, I'm panicking.
Thinking, "Who the hell is this?"
596
00:33:06,452 --> 00:33:07,870
Did you know him?
597
00:33:09,705 --> 00:33:10,998
He was my son.
598
00:33:15,002 --> 00:33:17,880
Yeah. It's happening.
599
00:33:19,590 --> 00:33:22,301
Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.
600
00:33:28,224 --> 00:33:29,100
Who's Carrie?
601
00:33:30,977 --> 00:33:34,021
I saw that on the title page
at your house.
602
00:33:36,023 --> 00:33:37,441
Carrie was my wife.
603
00:33:38,901 --> 00:33:39,819
She died.
604
00:33:41,737 --> 00:33:43,072
Long time ago.
605
00:33:45,241 --> 00:33:48,619
And I'm writing something for her.
606
00:33:49,370 --> 00:33:51,706
And I have to finish
before my words run out.
607
00:33:51,789 --> 00:33:53,624
When did you start working on it?
608
00:33:54,375 --> 00:33:56,377
About an hour after I was diagnosed.
609
00:33:57,378 --> 00:33:58,629
And how's it going?
610
00:33:58,713 --> 00:34:00,172
It's going really well.
611
00:34:00,965 --> 00:34:04,093
My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.
612
00:34:04,176 --> 00:34:05,761
Don't lie to me, old man.
613
00:34:06,345 --> 00:34:08,889
I know you haven't started
writing one single word.
614
00:34:09,974 --> 00:34:11,642
- Let me see your phone.
- My phone?
615
00:34:11,726 --> 00:34:12,935
- Your phone.
- Okay.
616
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:15,396
Okay.
617
00:34:16,355 --> 00:34:20,067
This is my name, this is my number, okay?
618
00:34:20,151 --> 00:34:21,902
Now, even if you don't wanna contact me,
619
00:34:21,986 --> 00:34:26,949
I just want you to know that I'm not some
allergic-to-shellfish nut
620
00:34:27,033 --> 00:34:28,784
that's half your age plus four,
621
00:34:28,868 --> 00:34:30,995
that wants to help you
because you helped me.
622
00:34:31,620 --> 00:34:33,205
You don't stop for commas, do you?
623
00:34:33,914 --> 00:34:35,291
Life's too short for commas.
624
00:34:42,381 --> 00:34:45,176
Darrell, this is better.
625
00:34:45,843 --> 00:34:47,219
Try this as a tag.
626
00:34:48,387 --> 00:34:51,515
Let's do it in the dress rehearsal.
What do you think?
627
00:34:52,475 --> 00:34:54,644
Yeah. That's great.
628
00:34:54,727 --> 00:34:56,270
- Are we good?
- Yeah. Thanks.
629
00:34:56,354 --> 00:34:57,647
- Good. Alrighty.
- All right.
630
00:34:59,148 --> 00:35:00,900
Do you want to come to my house and play?
631
00:35:00,983 --> 00:35:03,152
No, your house smells.
632
00:35:03,903 --> 00:35:05,821
Then come to my house and play.
633
00:35:05,905 --> 00:35:08,699
No, your house smells too.
634
00:35:09,742 --> 00:35:12,828
My house doesn't smell. We can play there.
635
00:35:12,912 --> 00:35:14,830
Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.
636
00:35:14,914 --> 00:35:16,749
His father invented the flushing toilet.
637
00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:19,210
That's a lot of crap.
638
00:35:19,919 --> 00:35:22,171
Not anymore.
639
00:35:22,254 --> 00:35:24,298
Let's go to his house!
640
00:35:25,049 --> 00:35:30,346
Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,
the father of the modern toilet.
641
00:35:30,429 --> 00:35:32,473
I'm Jeff Goldblum.
642
00:35:36,268 --> 00:35:42,316
This has been a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.
643
00:35:43,943 --> 00:35:47,363
Change your toilet. Change the world.
644
00:35:48,322 --> 00:35:50,241
Commercial break! Two minutes.
645
00:35:53,452 --> 00:35:54,453
Not bad.
646
00:35:54,537 --> 00:35:57,415
- Great fix, Darrell.
- The Goldblum thing was funny.
647
00:35:57,498 --> 00:35:58,374
Thanks.
648
00:35:58,457 --> 00:36:02,670
I think we'll slot it after the third
commercial break. Got one on the air.
649
00:36:02,753 --> 00:36:03,921
All right.
650
00:36:05,464 --> 00:36:07,675
Yeah. Yeah.
651
00:36:32,158 --> 00:36:33,617
How did you meet Carrie?
652
00:36:43,377 --> 00:36:46,297
Come on, old man. How did you two meet?
653
00:36:50,551 --> 00:36:51,376
I'm Carrie.
654
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:55,589
Carrie? Is that short for Caren
or Carina or a Catherine?
655
00:36:56,089 --> 00:36:58,216
- Florence.
- Florence?
656
00:36:58,300 --> 00:36:59,217
Don't ask.
657
00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:02,304
Florence. Well that's a great
old-fashioned name.
658
00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:04,514
That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.
659
00:37:04,598 --> 00:37:07,475
I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.
660
00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:08,977
Herman, come away from the water.
661
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:11,188
Irving, don't put that
puppy in your mouth.
662
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:14,858
Mildred just pooped in the toilet.
A big hand for Mildred.
663
00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:18,111
- You don't hear those names.
- That's true.
664
00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:23,408
Listen, I live in that white house,
like, right over there.
665
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:26,411
And I happen to have
like half a ton of butter.
666
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,537
So, if you...
667
00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:32,000
Yeah, I won a dairy contest.
You had to guess how much the cow weighed.
668
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,461
And I can de-tar you.
669
00:37:34,544 --> 00:37:36,838
And I mean that in a very respectful way.
670
00:37:38,924 --> 00:37:40,008
Okay.
671
00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:49,559
Wow, is that a paint-by-number?
672
00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,855
It's you again. Hello, Charlie Burnz.
673
00:37:53,939 --> 00:37:55,023
Hey, Carrie.
674
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:56,733
It's really good.
675
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:58,360
- Yeah? You like it?
- Yeah.
676
00:37:58,443 --> 00:38:00,028
- You know what else I like?
- What?
677
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:02,322
- Steamed clams.
- Oh, yeah?
678
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:04,824
- Yeah.
- I've never had steamed clams.
679
00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:07,035
Okay, my house, 7 p.m.
680
00:38:08,752 --> 00:38:09,586
Deal.
681
00:38:14,630 --> 00:38:16,840
Well, hello. Old friend.
682
00:39:07,112 --> 00:39:08,196
You sounded great.
683
00:39:09,906 --> 00:39:11,032
What are you doing here?
684
00:39:11,116 --> 00:39:14,911
Em, I'm sorry. I messed up. Please.
685
00:39:14,994 --> 00:39:18,832
It's too late. I've moved on,
I met someone and we're in love.
686
00:39:18,915 --> 00:39:21,793
What? Already?
687
00:39:21,876 --> 00:39:23,795
- He's over there. Wanna meet him?
- Okay.
688
00:39:23,878 --> 00:39:25,964
Come on,
you'll see if it's some or not.
689
00:39:27,132 --> 00:39:28,758
- Hey.
- Hey, old man.
690
00:39:28,842 --> 00:39:31,845
Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.
691
00:39:32,345 --> 00:39:33,346
What is going on here?
692
00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:38,268
Charlie, this is my ex-boyfriend,
Dwayne St. John.
693
00:39:38,893 --> 00:39:41,521
- Oh, I hear you're a fan. Thank you.
- This is your boyfriend?
694
00:39:41,546 --> 00:39:43,051
Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.
695
00:39:43,134 --> 00:39:45,971
And thank you. It's the first day
of the rest of my life.
696
00:39:46,054 --> 00:39:46,888
Ain't that right?
697
00:39:47,722 --> 00:39:48,807
Yeah.
698
00:39:49,432 --> 00:39:52,811
- I love everything you do.
- And now he's doing me.
699
00:39:52,894 --> 00:39:54,646
Ain't that right, Charlie?
700
00:39:54,729 --> 00:39:56,690
You got that right... baby.
701
00:39:57,941 --> 00:39:59,317
We are late for lunch.
702
00:39:59,401 --> 00:40:03,071
And I would love
a seafood salad right now.
703
00:40:03,989 --> 00:40:06,324
- Okay.
- This is so crazy.
704
00:40:07,325 --> 00:40:09,744
In acting class,
I was doing the scene from your play...
705
00:40:09,828 --> 00:40:11,329
Do you wanna just take a picture?
706
00:40:11,997 --> 00:40:14,499
- Could I? Okay with you, sir?
- Sure.
707
00:40:14,583 --> 00:40:17,544
- Man, this is amazing.
- I'll take it. I know the password.
708
00:40:18,734 --> 00:40:20,277
All right, get closer.
709
00:40:20,925 --> 00:40:22,218
Okay, now, smile.
710
00:40:22,243 --> 00:40:24,954
Put your hands up in the air.
Yeah, like you won something.
711
00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:29,179
And a triple vegan delight.
712
00:40:29,262 --> 00:40:31,515
Wow, that looks like the Olympic torch.
713
00:40:32,349 --> 00:40:34,059
Hey, I gotta change the name.
714
00:40:37,979 --> 00:40:39,606
So when would you leave?
715
00:40:40,273 --> 00:40:43,401
In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.
716
00:40:43,485 --> 00:40:47,280
This record producer saw our videos and...
717
00:40:47,948 --> 00:40:50,617
he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!
718
00:40:50,700 --> 00:40:54,246
We going on tour for four months,
on a tour bus,
719
00:40:54,329 --> 00:40:57,457
and we're already
talking about doing an album, it's...
720
00:40:57,541 --> 00:41:01,086
Charlie, I'm sorry. I'm doing all the
talking. You said something good happened?
721
00:41:01,962 --> 00:41:04,965
- I wrote last night.
- You did? That's awesome.
722
00:41:05,048 --> 00:41:06,883
It was fantastic. Just like the old days.
723
00:41:06,967 --> 00:41:09,803
Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.
724
00:41:10,429 --> 00:41:12,222
Izzy Perlman? Who's Izzy Perlman?
725
00:41:12,305 --> 00:41:13,723
Not Izzy Perlman.
726
00:41:13,807 --> 00:41:16,726
Izzy Pearlman
sold my parents' Venetian blinds.
727
00:41:16,810 --> 00:41:20,605
Itzhak Perlman is one
of the greatest violinists in the world.
728
00:41:20,689 --> 00:41:22,065
Ask your phone who he is!
729
00:41:22,149 --> 00:41:25,485
He lives in the building behind me
and he likes to practice at night.
730
00:41:25,569 --> 00:41:29,030
I just open my window
and it's like a free Itzhak festival.
731
00:41:29,114 --> 00:41:31,199
One of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.
732
00:41:32,258 --> 00:41:35,177
Don't think I would've written anything
if you didn't get me started.
733
00:41:37,137 --> 00:41:39,014
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
734
00:41:42,393 --> 00:41:43,310
Hey...
735
00:41:44,103 --> 00:41:46,397
- Are you doing anything right now?
- No.
736
00:41:47,147 --> 00:41:49,817
It's my day off. Wanna have some laughs?
737
00:41:49,900 --> 00:41:52,319
- Hell, yeah.
- Come on.
738
00:41:53,070 --> 00:41:55,864
- Wax museum?
- Trust me, it's fun.
739
00:41:55,948 --> 00:41:57,533
Don't tell me there's one of you.
740
00:41:57,616 --> 00:41:59,159
- Come on.
- Okay.
741
00:42:00,079 --> 00:42:02,332
Hello, Dalai.
742
00:42:02,415 --> 00:42:04,751
Come on, queen. Smile, girl. Smile.
743
00:42:06,503 --> 00:42:08,588
What could he possibly be thinking?
744
00:42:10,173 --> 00:42:12,550
"Shouldn't have had the seafood salad."
745
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,345
- Picasso.
- I don't dig him.
746
00:42:15,428 --> 00:42:16,304
- Why?
747
00:42:16,387 --> 00:42:19,140
If I did a painting of you
with three willies, would you be happy?
748
00:42:19,224 --> 00:42:20,391
I'd be ecstatic.
749
00:42:21,768 --> 00:42:25,897
The Theory of Relativity
is never lend your relatives money.
750
00:42:25,980 --> 00:42:28,191
You can kiss that ten bucks goodbye.
751
00:42:31,152 --> 00:42:32,904
Golda, tell me again.
I don't understand.
752
00:42:32,987 --> 00:42:34,280
Okay, Mr. Arafat.
753
00:42:34,364 --> 00:42:36,825
It's "Chanukah," not "Hanukkah."
754
00:42:36,908 --> 00:42:38,451
I'm having trouble with the...
755
00:42:38,535 --> 00:42:40,453
I'm having trouble with the...!
756
00:42:41,079 --> 00:42:42,997
Pope? Party of five?
757
00:42:43,748 --> 00:42:46,835
- I am not a crook.
758
00:42:46,918 --> 00:42:48,586
Then why are you so sweaty?
759
00:42:49,129 --> 00:42:51,005
Man, he is really cross-eyed.
760
00:42:51,089 --> 00:42:54,134
That's why he didn't find
any weapons of mass destruction.
761
00:42:57,679 --> 00:42:59,389
- So you have two kids, right?
- Yeah.
762
00:42:59,472 --> 00:43:03,143
Francine teaches math
at a middle school in New Jersey.
763
00:43:03,226 --> 00:43:05,270
And my son Rex is an architect.
764
00:43:05,353 --> 00:43:07,313
And Rex is a...
765
00:43:08,148 --> 00:43:09,858
He's a pretty brilliant kid.
766
00:43:09,941 --> 00:43:13,236
He should be. He was born
at the American Museum of Natural History.
767
00:43:14,946 --> 00:43:17,240
This was so nice. Thank you.
768
00:43:20,368 --> 00:43:24,205
I wanna ask you a question.
And I'm a little nervous about it,
769
00:43:24,289 --> 00:43:27,375
because I don't remember
the last time I asked this, if ever.
770
00:43:29,919 --> 00:43:33,214
Would like to be my date
for my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
771
00:43:33,298 --> 00:43:36,134
Her name's Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.
772
00:43:36,217 --> 00:43:38,094
And it would be
like a goodbye party for you
773
00:43:38,178 --> 00:43:40,305
except it's a bat mitzvah and not for you.
774
00:43:40,388 --> 00:43:42,807
I've never been to one before. When is it?
775
00:43:43,975 --> 00:43:46,728
- I don't remember, but soon.
- Way to narrow it down.
776
00:43:46,811 --> 00:43:50,190
- I have the invitation...
- Doesn't matter when.
777
00:43:50,273 --> 00:43:51,941
- I'd be happy to go.
- Yeah?
778
00:43:52,025 --> 00:43:54,027
- But only on one condition.
- What?
779
00:43:54,736 --> 00:43:55,904
That we dance together.
780
00:43:55,987 --> 00:43:58,698
Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer.
781
00:43:58,782 --> 00:44:00,742
One of the few with mambo insurance.
782
00:44:00,825 --> 00:44:03,661
Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.
783
00:44:04,287 --> 00:44:08,291
All right. But to be on the safe side,
wear a helmet and shoulder pads.
784
00:44:08,374 --> 00:44:10,418
- Done.
- Great.
785
00:44:31,171 --> 00:44:32,756
What's the matter, Carrie?
786
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:35,134
I don't want the summer to be over.
787
00:44:35,217 --> 00:44:36,301
Well...
788
00:44:37,177 --> 00:44:39,930
maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.
789
00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:43,767
Good idea, Charlie Burnz.
790
00:45:05,789 --> 00:45:08,250
Stop sign... Left.
791
00:45:09,251 --> 00:45:11,628
Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.
792
00:45:11,712 --> 00:45:14,757
- This is the way I go.
- Sir, go this way. Not safe here.
793
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,634
- I don't know that way.
- You gotta go that way.
794
00:45:17,718 --> 00:45:20,554
I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.
795
00:45:20,637 --> 00:45:23,015
It's a new day.
Cross the street and you'll be fine.
796
00:45:23,098 --> 00:45:26,018
- No! I have to go this way!
- Come on. Move!
797
00:45:29,772 --> 00:45:30,981
Sorry.
798
00:45:31,065 --> 00:45:32,816
What's the matter with you?
799
00:45:36,695 --> 00:45:40,449
That's the way I go. I go that way.
800
00:45:44,870 --> 00:45:48,123
What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?
801
00:45:48,749 --> 00:45:50,542
Get the hell out of the way!
802
00:45:51,877 --> 00:45:52,753
Hey!
803
00:45:53,587 --> 00:45:54,963
You, old man!
804
00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:59,635
Get the hell out of the way!
You're in the middle of the road!
805
00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:01,637
What, are you deaf?
806
00:46:41,927 --> 00:46:46,306
Hey, old man! Am I crazy or did you say
your son was born in a museum?
807
00:46:48,851 --> 00:46:51,437
Look at the size of this thing, honey.
808
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:53,313
- Charlie...
- This is the only thing here
809
00:46:53,397 --> 00:46:56,108
that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!
810
00:46:56,191 --> 00:46:57,484
- Charlie.
- What?
811
00:46:58,277 --> 00:46:59,945
I think my water just broke.
812
00:46:59,970 --> 00:47:01,865
We gotta get you out of here.
We gotta get you out of here.
813
00:47:02,899 --> 00:47:04,901
Oh, God. This baby's coming fast.
814
00:47:04,984 --> 00:47:07,487
Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.
815
00:47:07,570 --> 00:47:09,530
Really?! I have a baby coming through!
816
00:47:09,614 --> 00:47:11,239
Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.
817
00:47:11,323 --> 00:47:13,200
- Copy that.
- Hi.
818
00:47:13,268 --> 00:47:15,771
- You should know my name. It's Carrie.
- Hi. Hello.
819
00:47:15,854 --> 00:47:18,398
And that man
who looks so scared is Charlie.
820
00:47:18,482 --> 00:47:21,109
- Hi, Charlie.
- He's the daddy.
821
00:47:21,193 --> 00:47:22,361
- Good.
- What's your name?
822
00:47:22,444 --> 00:47:26,281
I'm Joe Katz. Okay? Take a breath.
Relax. You're doing just great.
823
00:47:26,365 --> 00:47:29,159
Now, listen.
I'll have to remove your underwear.
824
00:47:29,242 --> 00:47:32,496
Oh, that's a bit aggressive
for our first date, don't you think?
825
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,100
- What should I do next?
- Nothing!
826
00:47:34,183 --> 00:47:36,018
Sure? They gave us a class with the doll...
827
00:47:36,102 --> 00:47:37,687
- Leave us alone!
- Okay. Sorry.
828
00:47:37,770 --> 00:47:41,190
Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?
829
00:47:41,273 --> 00:47:44,276
At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!
830
00:47:45,111 --> 00:47:46,779
- You okay?
- Just trying to think.
831
00:47:46,862 --> 00:47:49,281
Who took your panties off
at Rye Playland? I wasn't there.
832
00:47:49,365 --> 00:47:51,117
- What?
- It was Coney Island!
833
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:53,160
Oh, you're right!
834
00:47:53,244 --> 00:47:55,454
- Oh, God.
- Lean forward slowly.
835
00:47:55,538 --> 00:47:57,957
And you're gonna push when I tell you.
836
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:00,626
Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?
837
00:48:01,419 --> 00:48:03,963
- And get these scouts out of here!
- Come on, guys. Let's go.
838
00:48:04,046 --> 00:48:06,132
- Come on, boys.
- This is bullshit!
839
00:48:06,924 --> 00:48:08,968
- You too!
- Copy that. And just a reminder:
840
00:48:09,051 --> 00:48:11,012
- we close at 5.
- Get out of here!
841
00:48:15,111 --> 00:48:17,947
Okay. Here you go. Here you go.
842
00:48:18,031 --> 00:48:19,073
Here you go.
843
00:48:19,907 --> 00:48:23,369
It's a boy. It's a boy. It's a boy.
844
00:48:55,260 --> 00:48:59,264
All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...
845
00:48:59,347 --> 00:49:02,017
Three, two, one...
846
00:49:02,559 --> 00:49:04,394
Good evening.
And welcome to another episode
847
00:49:04,477 --> 00:49:06,855
of Old People Who Have
Always Looked Old!
848
00:49:06,938 --> 00:49:10,317
Tonight's subjects are Keith Richards
and the late Mother Teresa.
849
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:12,569
- Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
- Yeah.
850
00:49:12,652 --> 00:49:14,654
- How does he get away with this?
- I don't know.
851
00:49:15,405 --> 00:49:16,573
All right, listen.
852
00:49:17,574 --> 00:49:20,368
The sketch ideas are good,
but they don't always have to be so big.
853
00:49:20,452 --> 00:49:23,205
Sketches can be small, more personal.
854
00:49:23,288 --> 00:49:26,333
Something about yourself,
maybe about your girlfriend or something.
855
00:49:26,416 --> 00:49:28,502
- That would be a problem.
- Why's that?
856
00:49:28,585 --> 00:49:31,463
I don't have one. I'm incredibly single.
857
00:49:31,546 --> 00:49:32,964
See? That's funny.
858
00:49:33,048 --> 00:49:35,467
That I eat every meal alone?
859
00:49:35,550 --> 00:49:37,969
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- No, no.
860
00:49:38,053 --> 00:49:40,222
I'm talking
about a character for the show.
861
00:49:40,305 --> 00:49:43,475
The incredibly single guy.
It's different than being single.
862
00:49:43,558 --> 00:49:46,520
It's incredibly single.
There might be something funny in that.
863
00:49:46,603 --> 00:49:48,438
- Right.
- Find out what's funny about you
864
00:49:48,522 --> 00:49:51,733
- and then write about it.
- Okay. I'll try that.
865
00:49:51,816 --> 00:49:54,569
- Okay.
- Can I tell you something?
866
00:49:54,653 --> 00:49:55,529
Yeah.
867
00:49:56,196 --> 00:49:58,615
When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class
868
00:49:58,698 --> 00:50:00,617
and I wrote a paper as you.
869
00:50:01,576 --> 00:50:02,869
- Really?
- Yeah.
870
00:50:02,953 --> 00:50:06,331
I read all your plays,
I knew your movie scripts.
871
00:50:06,414 --> 00:50:10,168
I could even tell what jokes were yours
on whatever TV show you were writing on.
872
00:50:10,252 --> 00:50:13,547
So I wrote a paper in your style.
Like you were at Harvard.
873
00:50:14,673 --> 00:50:15,715
And how'd it do?
874
00:50:16,633 --> 00:50:17,467
Got an F.
875
00:50:18,552 --> 00:50:21,513
The professor said
we already have a great Charlie Burnz.
876
00:50:21,596 --> 00:50:24,641
We don't have a great Darrell Green yet.
He was right.
877
00:50:25,517 --> 00:50:30,313
Anyway, working with you
and knowing you is really special to me.
878
00:50:30,397 --> 00:50:31,648
Oh, thank you, Darrell.
879
00:50:32,274 --> 00:50:35,277
Listen, while I go get one of the crew
880
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:38,154
to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up
881
00:50:38,238 --> 00:50:41,449
take a whack at the incredibly single guy,
see if there's something funny.
882
00:50:41,533 --> 00:50:43,994
- Deal.
- Good. Oh, sorry.
883
00:50:45,912 --> 00:50:47,747
Hello? Hi.
884
00:50:48,498 --> 00:50:50,375
Hi, yeah. No, I...
885
00:50:51,626 --> 00:50:52,711
What to wear?
886
00:50:53,670 --> 00:50:54,588
Oh, I don't...
887
00:50:55,922 --> 00:50:58,884
How vintage? That's very vintage.
888
00:50:58,967 --> 00:51:00,135
Yeah.
889
00:51:00,218 --> 00:51:03,221
No, listen. I'm at work,
so can I call you back?
890
00:51:03,805 --> 00:51:06,016
Okay. Bye.
891
00:51:09,269 --> 00:51:12,314
I'm taking a date
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah.
892
00:51:12,898 --> 00:51:16,109
She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.
893
00:51:16,193 --> 00:51:17,819
Neither have I. Can I go too?
894
00:51:19,070 --> 00:51:21,531
I think one surprise for my family
is all they can handle.
895
00:51:21,615 --> 00:51:24,117
And believe me,
this young woman is full of surprises.
896
00:51:24,201 --> 00:51:26,077
- She sounds cool.
- Yeah, she is.
897
00:51:26,161 --> 00:51:28,497
She's... She's very cool.
898
00:51:30,999 --> 00:51:33,084
- What?
- Well...
899
00:51:33,168 --> 00:51:34,336
you're blushing.
900
00:51:34,419 --> 00:51:37,172
- Your face is a little red.
- Oh, that's...
901
00:51:37,255 --> 00:51:39,090
blood pressure. Yeah.
902
00:51:39,174 --> 00:51:41,092
Shouldn't have had the hot dog. It's...
903
00:51:41,176 --> 00:51:43,261
- See you in a little bit.
- Bye.
904
00:51:44,930 --> 00:51:49,518
Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,
I'd like to leave you with this one story.
905
00:51:50,185 --> 00:51:53,188
So I turned to Rabbi Teplis and I said:
906
00:51:53,271 --> 00:51:55,774
"I've been studying for years and years
907
00:51:55,857 --> 00:51:58,193
and I ask you:
'What is the meaning of life?'
908
00:51:58,276 --> 00:52:00,612
And you tell me life is a cookie?"
909
00:52:03,532 --> 00:52:06,117
And Rabbi Teplis looked at me and said:
910
00:52:06,201 --> 00:52:07,577
"You mean it isn't?"
911
00:52:12,582 --> 00:52:15,126
So anyways, to my parents,
912
00:52:15,210 --> 00:52:17,254
I love you so much.
913
00:52:18,505 --> 00:52:20,298
You've given me everything I have,
914
00:52:20,382 --> 00:52:22,968
and I wouldn't be here without you.
915
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:26,388
Thank you so much. I love you.
916
00:52:27,048 --> 00:52:30,760
Hey, Dad, by the way...
I got that job I was telling you about.
917
00:52:32,011 --> 00:52:33,012
What job?
918
00:52:34,138 --> 00:52:35,431
The building in Union Square.
919
00:52:36,432 --> 00:52:38,643
Yeah. Anyway, they love my design.
920
00:52:38,726 --> 00:52:41,312
Great. Isn't that great?
921
00:52:41,395 --> 00:52:44,190
Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
922
00:52:46,275 --> 00:52:49,779
That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.
923
00:52:49,862 --> 00:52:53,491
I know. Anyone who's born in a museum
is bound to be smart.
924
00:52:53,574 --> 00:52:56,494
- He told you about that?
- Yeah, he's very proud of you.
925
00:52:58,996 --> 00:53:01,749
- And this is her first bat mitzvah.
- What do you think so far?
926
00:53:01,833 --> 00:53:04,085
- It's okay so far.
- Just okay?
927
00:53:04,168 --> 00:53:08,548
In the beginning, it was really hot
with the dancing and the chairs up, but-
928
00:53:08,631 --> 00:53:12,218
All due respect to your tribe,
but it's a little dull now.
929
00:53:12,301 --> 00:53:14,679
Well, the reading. It'll pick up again.
930
00:53:14,762 --> 00:53:17,056
Well, why don't we do something
to help a little?
931
00:53:17,139 --> 00:53:18,432
Where you going?
932
00:53:19,267 --> 00:53:20,893
Dad. Dad!
933
00:53:22,245 --> 00:53:26,499
You rocked that shul.
I mean, it was like Shabbos Night Live.
934
00:53:28,043 --> 00:53:29,586
You made the whole party.
935
00:53:29,669 --> 00:53:32,047
I think I had more fun
than your family did.
936
00:53:32,130 --> 00:53:34,132
Why are they looking at me like that?
937
00:53:34,215 --> 00:53:35,842
Do they not know what's going on here?
938
00:53:36,593 --> 00:53:38,678
Actually, they don't. Emma, listen.
939
00:53:38,762 --> 00:53:40,305
You don't know everything.
940
00:53:40,388 --> 00:53:43,516
- I mean, there's a lot of hard feelings.
- About what?
941
00:53:44,684 --> 00:53:47,520
Well, they both...
Well, Francine especially.
942
00:53:47,604 --> 00:53:50,190
...think I wasn't around enough
when they were kids.
943
00:53:50,273 --> 00:53:54,277
Which was probably true,
but I was working, like, all the time.
944
00:53:54,361 --> 00:53:58,114
And after Carrie died,
there was a revolving door of nannies.
945
00:53:58,198 --> 00:54:00,241
And when I was there...
946
00:54:01,242 --> 00:54:04,079
I had trouble
giving them what they needed.
947
00:54:04,829 --> 00:54:06,748
I mean, I just was so sad.
948
00:54:06,831 --> 00:54:08,500
And what do they have against me?
949
00:54:09,626 --> 00:54:11,419
Well, after she passed away...
950
00:54:12,170 --> 00:54:15,090
I didn't wanna get involved
with anybody, you know, I couldn't.
951
00:54:15,173 --> 00:54:16,967
So I dated a lot of younger women.
952
00:54:18,385 --> 00:54:20,178
So they probably looked at us
953
00:54:20,261 --> 00:54:22,222
thinking there's something else
going on here.
954
00:54:22,305 --> 00:54:24,224
I'm really sorry they upset you.
955
00:54:26,226 --> 00:54:28,979
Ladies and gentlemen, Itzhak Perlman.
956
00:54:29,479 --> 00:54:31,147
- That's him.
- Does he take requests?
957
00:54:31,231 --> 00:54:33,525
Itzhak Perlman is a genius.
He doesn't take requests.
958
00:54:33,608 --> 00:54:36,528
- You still owe me a dance.
- I danced with you. I danced the horah.
959
00:54:36,611 --> 00:54:38,530
- The horah doesn't count.
- The horah's a dance.
960
00:54:38,613 --> 00:54:42,075
You run around, they lift you up,
and you sweat in to your good clothes.
961
00:54:42,158 --> 00:54:43,368
That's a dance.
962
00:55:22,940 --> 00:55:24,274
Where have you been?
963
00:55:24,358 --> 00:55:26,527
- When?
- The last eight hours or so.
964
00:55:26,610 --> 00:55:28,862
- Here.
- Just so I know, where have I been?
965
00:55:28,946 --> 00:55:30,197
- Here.
- With you?
966
00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:32,491
- Yeah.
- That's what I was afraid of.
967
00:55:32,574 --> 00:55:34,702
Really? Because I thought it's nice.
968
00:55:34,785 --> 00:55:37,871
Emma, I didn't want for this to happen.
969
00:55:37,955 --> 00:55:40,249
I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."
970
00:55:40,332 --> 00:55:44,336
But if the "this" you're referring to
is that "this,"
971
00:55:44,420 --> 00:55:45,713
it didn't happen.
972
00:55:46,213 --> 00:55:50,134
I got afraid of the thunder and lightning,
and I snuck in and spooned you.
973
00:55:50,217 --> 00:55:51,677
That's it. We just spooned.
974
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:52,845
That's it?
975
00:55:53,345 --> 00:55:55,306
- That's it.
- Okay.
976
00:55:55,389 --> 00:55:57,808
Look, you're an attractive older man,
977
00:55:57,891 --> 00:56:01,520
but your body would not be
able to handle all these groceries.
978
00:56:01,603 --> 00:56:04,523
I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.
979
00:56:04,606 --> 00:56:07,192
Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.
980
00:56:07,276 --> 00:56:11,030
You might dislocate your shoulder,
then you die.
981
00:56:11,113 --> 00:56:11,742
Can't have that.
982
00:56:11,767 --> 00:56:14,965
Three, two, one, now!
983
00:56:15,966 --> 00:56:19,345
I first became incredibly single
when the fetus of my twin brother
984
00:56:19,428 --> 00:56:22,181
left the womb a month ahead of me,
because...
985
00:56:22,264 --> 00:56:24,350
Well, he said he'd had enough.
986
00:56:26,352 --> 00:56:29,897
This continued when I was an infant,
when my mom refused to breastfeed me.
987
00:56:29,980 --> 00:56:33,484
She said, "Let's take things slow,
see where this goes."
988
00:56:35,027 --> 00:56:38,781
And now, I live in this studio apartment
where I lie awake at night
989
00:56:38,864 --> 00:56:41,825
and fantasize about having
with another person.
990
00:56:43,035 --> 00:56:45,954
Which would be fun... so I've heard.
991
00:56:47,373 --> 00:56:51,001
And I think I'd be a pretty good lover.
Find those hard to find spots
992
00:56:51,085 --> 00:56:52,670
that drive the women wild.
993
00:56:53,754 --> 00:56:55,381
Because I have Google Maps.
994
00:56:56,548 --> 00:56:58,842
"In two inches, make a left."
995
00:57:05,391 --> 00:57:09,144
If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?
996
00:57:10,229 --> 00:57:11,063
If not...
997
00:57:12,314 --> 00:57:13,774
then the wrath of my god,
998
00:57:14,274 --> 00:57:18,445
the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,
999
00:57:18,529 --> 00:57:20,072
will come and find you,
1000
00:57:20,155 --> 00:57:22,992
and the sounds will color the sky,
1001
00:57:23,075 --> 00:57:25,911
and he will come after you
and your loved ones,
1002
00:57:25,995 --> 00:57:29,248
and damn you to the fires of hell!
1003
00:57:31,208 --> 00:57:32,209
So call me.
1004
00:57:35,838 --> 00:57:37,047
Killing it.
1005
00:57:39,216 --> 00:57:41,176
Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.
1006
00:57:41,844 --> 00:57:43,679
That was you. That's you, dude.
1007
00:57:44,305 --> 00:57:46,348
- Killed it!
- Thanks.
1008
00:57:47,099 --> 00:57:49,643
Oh, God.
I thought my phone was off. Sorry.
1009
00:57:49,727 --> 00:57:52,646
Hello. Yeah. I'm still at the show.
I can't talk.
1010
00:57:52,730 --> 00:57:54,815
- I found it.
- What did you find?
1011
00:57:55,374 --> 00:58:00,254
That great painting of that old house
that was hanging in the empty space.
1012
00:58:00,279 --> 00:58:02,406
It's beautiful. I rehung it.
1013
00:58:02,489 --> 00:58:03,866
You're still at my house?
1014
00:58:04,533 --> 00:58:06,327
Yeah. But I'm about to go back
to my place.
1015
00:58:06,952 --> 00:58:08,704
- Take it down.
- What?
1016
00:58:08,787 --> 00:58:12,207
- Take it down. I don't wanna see it.
- I'm sorry. I thought you misplaced it.
1017
00:58:12,291 --> 00:58:16,021
Emma, I don't wanna see it,
you understand? I just don't wanna see it.
1018
00:58:16,046 --> 00:58:17,881
- Get rid of it!
- Fine.
1019
00:58:20,132 --> 00:58:22,843
- New girlfriend?
- No. I don't even know.
1020
00:58:23,510 --> 00:58:25,387
Hey, you're right.
1021
00:58:25,971 --> 00:58:27,514
- He's gonna be good.
- Yeah.
1022
00:58:28,098 --> 00:58:31,769
Three, two, one, now!
1023
00:58:31,852 --> 00:58:32,811
In the world of music,
1024
00:58:32,895 --> 00:58:36,857
Lady Gaga announced she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."
1025
00:58:37,399 --> 00:58:39,985
She gave no explanation for her decision.
1026
00:58:40,069 --> 00:58:43,072
According to a poll, Americans
are concerned about a new axis of evil
1027
00:58:43,155 --> 00:58:45,032
that threatens our country's democracy.
1028
00:58:45,115 --> 00:58:46,825
North Korea, ISIS,
1029
00:58:46,909 --> 00:58:49,036
and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.
1030
00:58:54,375 --> 00:58:56,877
- Moving on.
- No, no, no.
1031
00:58:56,961 --> 00:58:58,754
Is anyone bothered by this but me?
1032
00:58:59,895 --> 00:59:01,507
Do you hear that it's wrong?
1033
00:59:01,532 --> 00:59:04,184
Your emphasis... You're an emphasis moron.
1034
00:59:05,886 --> 00:59:07,262
What is he doing?
1035
00:59:07,346 --> 00:59:09,056
Everything you say is off.
1036
00:59:09,139 --> 00:59:11,475
It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.
1037
00:59:12,518 --> 00:59:16,730
It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.
1038
00:59:16,814 --> 00:59:18,857
You are a comedy kamikaze.
1039
00:59:18,941 --> 00:59:20,818
Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."
1040
00:59:20,901 --> 00:59:22,277
What the hell?
1041
00:59:22,361 --> 00:59:25,531
Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...
1042
00:59:26,365 --> 00:59:30,202
would know that it's Mitch McConnell,
not "Mitch-McConnell."
1043
00:59:30,285 --> 00:59:32,371
You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells,
1044
00:59:32,454 --> 00:59:33,414
there's only one.
1045
00:59:33,497 --> 00:59:34,790
There's no Stewie McConnell.
1046
00:59:34,873 --> 00:59:37,543
Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!
1047
00:59:37,626 --> 00:59:39,920
What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?
1048
00:59:40,004 --> 00:59:43,090
- Go to commercial?
- This is live. Just stay on it.
1049
00:59:43,173 --> 00:59:45,926
Jesus Christ.
No, I'm sorry. "Jesus, Christ."
1050
00:59:46,927 --> 00:59:49,346
Who, of course, was born in "Bethle-hem."
1051
00:59:50,014 --> 00:59:52,975
I even put in on the cue card,
because I had...
1052
00:59:53,058 --> 00:59:55,144
- You know this?
- I have no idea. No.
1053
00:59:55,686 --> 00:59:56,937
Thank you, Al. Look at this.
1054
00:59:57,021 --> 01:00:00,566
I had written the exact same size
so you would know.
1055
01:00:00,649 --> 01:00:03,402
"Mitch McConnell," not "Mitch-McConnell."
1056
01:00:03,485 --> 01:00:05,029
Mitch McConnell, you see that? Al.
1057
01:00:05,112 --> 01:00:07,448
Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.
1058
01:00:07,531 --> 01:00:10,034
Yeah. Tell everybody.
Did I tell you that this would happen?
1059
01:00:10,117 --> 01:00:13,787
- He told me this would happen.
- Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!
1060
01:00:14,496 --> 01:00:16,707
Thank you, Al, you sweet...
Where is he going?
1061
01:00:16,790 --> 01:00:18,208
Get him. Follow him.
1062
01:00:18,709 --> 01:00:19,543
You.
1063
01:00:20,336 --> 01:00:22,713
Look. Look, ma'am, what does that say?
1064
01:00:22,796 --> 01:00:24,506
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you very much.
1065
01:00:24,590 --> 01:00:27,343
- You, you. Stand up. What does this say?
- "Mitch McConnell."
1066
01:00:27,426 --> 01:00:29,678
- Again. I can't hear you.
- "Mitch McConnell."
1067
01:00:29,762 --> 01:00:30,929
We got a winner.
1068
01:00:32,139 --> 01:00:33,057
Dang it.
1069
01:00:33,140 --> 01:00:35,768
Take anything off the top shelf,
goddamn it.
1070
01:00:35,851 --> 01:00:38,270
Everybody, tell me. What does it say?
1071
01:00:38,354 --> 01:00:39,938
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Can't hear you.
1072
01:00:40,022 --> 01:00:41,523
- "Mitch McConnell."
- One more time.
1073
01:00:41,607 --> 01:00:43,067
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you.
1074
01:00:43,150 --> 01:00:45,110
Roger, you're a very talented young guy.
1075
01:00:45,194 --> 01:00:48,447
I have to tell you, I am sick and tired
of writing jokes for you
1076
01:00:48,530 --> 01:00:50,616
and having you abuse them, you dumb turd.
1077
01:00:50,699 --> 01:00:51,617
Oh, boy.
1078
01:00:51,700 --> 01:00:52,701
Dumb turd!
1079
01:00:52,785 --> 01:00:55,204
Everybody. Dumb turd!
1080
01:00:55,287 --> 01:00:58,082
Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1081
01:00:58,165 --> 01:01:00,125
Stand up. Dumb turd!
1082
01:01:00,209 --> 01:01:01,210
Dumb turd!
1083
01:01:02,461 --> 01:01:04,213
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1084
01:01:04,296 --> 01:01:07,257
Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.
1085
01:01:07,341 --> 01:01:09,093
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1086
01:01:09,118 --> 01:01:11,606
I say dumb, you say turd! Dumb...
1087
01:01:11,689 --> 01:01:12,732
- Turd.
- Dumb...
1088
01:01:12,815 --> 01:01:13,816
Oh, my God.
1089
01:01:13,900 --> 01:01:15,693
- ...I say turd.
- Dumb...
1090
01:01:15,777 --> 01:01:17,195
I need wide, wide, wide.
1091
01:01:17,278 --> 01:01:18,279
- Dumb...
- Turd!
1092
01:01:18,362 --> 01:01:19,280
- Dumb...
- Turd!
1093
01:01:19,363 --> 01:01:21,282
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
1094
01:01:22,033 --> 01:01:22,992
Turd!
1095
01:01:23,075 --> 01:01:25,328
Turd! That's it, I'm done. Thank you.
1096
01:01:32,513 --> 01:01:35,683
Camera one.
Back to Roger and reset. Take one!
1097
01:01:36,309 --> 01:01:38,269
- Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
- No!
1098
01:01:38,352 --> 01:01:39,770
Charlie Burnz.
1099
01:01:40,646 --> 01:01:42,189
Sorry. I'll work on it.
1100
01:01:42,815 --> 01:01:45,651
That's the news of the night...
Of the night.
1101
01:01:45,735 --> 01:01:47,403
The news of the...
1102
01:01:47,486 --> 01:01:50,948
I guess I'm a dumb turd.
1103
01:01:51,032 --> 01:01:52,199
Thank you...
1104
01:01:52,283 --> 01:01:53,618
Good night.
1105
01:01:54,827 --> 01:01:56,287
And we're clear!
1106
01:01:56,787 --> 01:01:57,788
What was that?
1107
01:01:57,872 --> 01:01:59,081
What was that?
1108
01:01:59,165 --> 01:02:01,917
What the hell was that?
1109
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:04,879
Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.
1110
01:02:04,962 --> 01:02:06,505
The schmuck can't get a name right.
1111
01:02:06,589 --> 01:02:08,466
Really inspired idea, Charlie.
1112
01:02:08,549 --> 01:02:11,719
Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.
1113
01:02:11,802 --> 01:02:14,055
Charlie, why didn't you tell me?
1114
01:02:14,138 --> 01:02:17,767
- I haven't told my kids yet.
- I bet they know now. We're live.
1115
01:02:18,267 --> 01:02:20,353
My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.
1116
01:02:20,436 --> 01:02:23,105
It's so stupid.
It's so stupid. It's my fault!
1117
01:02:23,189 --> 01:02:25,816
Stupid? What are you talking about?
Everyone loved it.
1118
01:02:25,900 --> 01:02:28,778
- When did you think of this?
- Comes to me all the time.
1119
01:02:28,861 --> 01:02:30,655
Every second, it doesn't stop.
1120
01:02:30,738 --> 01:02:33,074
That's why it's so good. It was so real.
1121
01:02:33,157 --> 01:02:35,284
Holy , you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.
1122
01:02:35,368 --> 01:02:36,452
They love you, Charlie.
1123
01:02:36,535 --> 01:02:39,413
They love the grumpy writer
who can't bear to see his words mangled.
1124
01:02:39,497 --> 01:02:40,790
They think you're funny, man.
1125
01:02:40,873 --> 01:02:43,960
Funny? Funny?
Saying I'll be back in a few minutes
1126
01:02:44,043 --> 01:02:46,963
and never seeing
that person again is funny?
1127
01:02:47,046 --> 01:02:48,798
- Charlie, what...?
- It's not funny!
1128
01:02:48,881 --> 01:02:50,091
How can that be funny?
1129
01:02:50,174 --> 01:02:51,509
Are you Charlie Burnz?
1130
01:02:54,553 --> 01:02:55,763
Charlie Burnz.
1131
01:02:56,639 --> 01:02:58,057
Mr. Burnz?
1132
01:02:59,558 --> 01:03:00,977
I'm Charlie Burnz.
1133
01:03:04,355 --> 01:03:05,982
Don't tell me that something's wrong.
1134
01:03:08,067 --> 01:03:08,901
Charlie?
1135
01:03:10,486 --> 01:03:11,320
Charlie?
1136
01:03:14,490 --> 01:03:17,827
Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.
1137
01:03:18,953 --> 01:03:20,997
Hey, come back to my office.
1138
01:03:21,706 --> 01:03:23,958
Lie down for a little bit. Yeah?
1139
01:03:24,834 --> 01:03:26,335
I'm so tired.
1140
01:03:26,419 --> 01:03:28,004
It's okay. It's okay.
1141
01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:30,298
Come on.
1142
01:03:30,381 --> 01:03:32,591
- I'm really tired.
- It's all right. It's all right.
1143
01:03:34,885 --> 01:03:37,638
- Until tonight, he's been fine.
- Yeah.
1144
01:03:37,722 --> 01:03:40,600
Sometimes he's just great.
You'd never know he had a problem.
1145
01:03:42,018 --> 01:03:45,146
And then it would just hit him,
but nothing like this.
1146
01:03:45,229 --> 01:03:46,272
I had no idea.
1147
01:03:47,273 --> 01:03:49,317
- It's our secret.
- Our?
1148
01:03:50,568 --> 01:03:52,528
- Nobody else knows?
- No.
1149
01:03:52,612 --> 01:03:56,032
Well, we have a problem.
Social media is blowing up. They love it.
1150
01:03:56,115 --> 01:03:58,117
Everybody is asking, "Who is this guy?"
1151
01:03:58,200 --> 01:03:59,702
They want him back next week.
1152
01:03:59,785 --> 01:04:01,203
- I know it's gone viral.
- Yeah.
1153
01:04:01,287 --> 01:04:03,706
You know, I'm very nervous about what...
1154
01:04:03,789 --> 01:04:06,375
We need to post something right away.
1155
01:04:06,459 --> 01:04:07,960
Twitter, Instagram.
1156
01:04:08,044 --> 01:04:09,629
Sorry to interrupt. I just overheard.
1157
01:04:09,712 --> 01:04:12,590
- Darrell, come on.
- Let me do it, please.
1158
01:04:12,673 --> 01:04:13,799
I know what to say.
1159
01:04:15,968 --> 01:04:17,428
Okay. Good.
1160
01:04:18,095 --> 01:04:20,431
- I have to run it by the network.
- Okay.
1161
01:04:21,307 --> 01:04:23,559
This is Charlie's friend Emma.
1162
01:04:24,268 --> 01:04:25,811
He's Darrell, he works with Charlie.
1163
01:04:26,479 --> 01:04:28,314
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
1164
01:04:28,940 --> 01:04:29,941
I'll get started.
1165
01:04:32,568 --> 01:04:33,402
What a night.
1166
01:04:35,237 --> 01:04:37,615
Okay, Charlie. There's the car.
Go ahead and get in.
1167
01:04:37,698 --> 01:04:38,532
Okay.
1168
01:04:41,661 --> 01:04:43,371
- Thanks.
- Hey, Charlie.
1169
01:04:43,454 --> 01:04:44,288
Yeah?
1170
01:04:44,372 --> 01:04:47,249
I just wanted to say good night
and make sure you're okay.
1171
01:04:47,750 --> 01:04:49,251
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
1172
01:04:49,335 --> 01:04:50,169
Hey, I...
1173
01:04:50,878 --> 01:04:51,837
I posted that:
1174
01:04:53,005 --> 01:04:55,925
"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend
1175
01:04:56,008 --> 01:05:00,554
when he gave a hilarious one-time only
performance as a disgruntled writer.
1176
01:05:00,638 --> 01:05:02,181
Thank you, Charlie.
1177
01:05:02,265 --> 01:05:04,267
The crew and cast of This Just In.
1178
01:05:04,350 --> 01:05:06,102
Hashtag "dumb turd."
1179
01:05:07,561 --> 01:05:10,189
And I put the "you" in all caps
so it's the wrong inflection.
1180
01:05:11,315 --> 01:05:12,275
Thanks, kid.
1181
01:05:12,900 --> 01:05:14,277
Good night, Charlie.
1182
01:05:14,360 --> 01:05:18,990
You know, Darrell here is gonna be
a terrific writer someday.
1183
01:05:20,366 --> 01:05:21,534
I don't know.
1184
01:05:21,617 --> 01:05:22,618
I do.
1185
01:05:24,620 --> 01:05:25,579
I'll see you, kid.
1186
01:05:28,082 --> 01:05:30,376
This is a scan of your brain in February.
1187
01:05:31,585 --> 01:05:33,754
And this is the one we just took.
1188
01:05:38,509 --> 01:05:40,011
They look the same to me.
1189
01:05:41,053 --> 01:05:42,763
Yes, but your symptoms are changing.
1190
01:05:45,766 --> 01:05:47,852
If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia
1191
01:05:47,935 --> 01:05:49,979
called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
1192
01:05:52,982 --> 01:05:55,026
What do you mean if you're right?
1193
01:06:00,531 --> 01:06:04,201
Only way to get
a definitive diagnosis of CJD is...
1194
01:06:05,286 --> 01:06:06,787
post-mortem autopsy.
1195
01:06:07,872 --> 01:06:08,706
Well...
1196
01:06:10,374 --> 01:06:11,667
why don't we do that now?
1197
01:06:11,751 --> 01:06:14,754
I mean, I have a lunch
but I could cancel that.
1198
01:06:16,339 --> 01:06:18,090
What happens next?
1199
01:06:18,174 --> 01:06:20,760
There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...
1200
01:06:21,802 --> 01:06:24,805
that could slow this down a bit,
1201
01:06:24,889 --> 01:06:26,891
but before too long.
1202
01:06:32,647 --> 01:06:34,398
Before too long is how long?
1203
01:06:36,817 --> 01:06:37,985
A year, maybe.
1204
01:06:42,195 --> 01:06:44,573
You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.
1205
01:06:47,828 --> 01:06:49,080
A nurse?
1206
01:06:49,163 --> 01:06:51,082
Yes, or your family.
1207
01:06:51,958 --> 01:06:53,793
- Your son and daughter.
- Well...
1208
01:06:54,752 --> 01:06:55,878
that's not happening.
1209
01:06:56,921 --> 01:07:00,800
In times like this,
you should be surrounded by loved ones,
1210
01:07:00,883 --> 01:07:03,803
or professionals
who are trained to care for you.
1211
01:07:10,101 --> 01:07:12,395
I'll do it. I'll take care of Charlie.
1212
01:07:12,478 --> 01:07:14,397
No, you can't. You're going away.
1213
01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:15,940
My plans have changed.
1214
01:07:16,023 --> 01:07:18,067
No. No, they haven't changed.
1215
01:07:18,150 --> 01:07:20,569
She's in a band and they're supposed
to go on tour.
1216
01:07:20,653 --> 01:07:22,655
- Nah, I don't need to do that.
- No. Yes, you do.
1217
01:07:22,738 --> 01:07:24,240
She does need to do that.
1218
01:07:25,992 --> 01:07:27,702
May I ask what your relationship is?
1219
01:07:28,369 --> 01:07:29,704
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
1220
01:07:29,787 --> 01:07:31,872
How long have you known each other?
1221
01:07:31,956 --> 01:07:34,500
I'm guessing about six months or so.
1222
01:07:34,583 --> 01:07:36,252
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?
1223
01:07:39,380 --> 01:07:40,214
Are we?
1224
01:07:41,173 --> 01:07:43,593
How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?
1225
01:07:43,676 --> 01:07:46,387
Well, are you having relations?
1226
01:07:46,470 --> 01:07:48,264
- We spooned.
- We spooned.
1227
01:07:50,891 --> 01:07:51,726
Charlie...
1228
01:07:52,727 --> 01:07:54,061
what about your kids?
1229
01:07:54,979 --> 01:07:57,231
I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.
1230
01:07:57,315 --> 01:07:58,399
Charlie.
1231
01:07:59,233 --> 01:08:02,194
- This is no time for jokes.
- Yes, it is.
1232
01:08:02,945 --> 01:08:05,197
It's the perfect time for jokes,
goddamn it.
1233
01:08:05,281 --> 01:08:08,242
Don't try to take away my sense of humor.
I'd rather die right now.
1234
01:08:10,661 --> 01:08:13,164
Boy, this God...
This God is a real jokester, isn't he?
1235
01:08:13,247 --> 01:08:14,957
What a really funny God.
1236
01:08:15,041 --> 01:08:18,169
"Hey, live your whole life
and you won't remember any of it."
1237
01:08:23,841 --> 01:08:25,509
My kids don't know anything.
1238
01:08:28,346 --> 01:08:29,805
I'll tell them at the right time.
1239
01:08:31,057 --> 01:08:32,141
Charlie.
1240
01:08:34,352 --> 01:08:35,728
This is the right time.
1241
01:08:38,397 --> 01:08:40,066
You can't be alone anymore.
1242
01:08:45,946 --> 01:08:47,782
I'll take care of him till I can't.
1243
01:08:51,285 --> 01:08:52,870
I'll write you some prescriptions.
1244
01:08:54,955 --> 01:08:56,874
I'll let the two of you be alone a bit.
1245
01:09:05,139 --> 01:09:06,278
What is wrong with you?
1246
01:09:06,361 --> 01:09:08,822
- What? There's nothing wrong with me.
- You're not staying.
1247
01:09:08,906 --> 01:09:10,282
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
1248
01:09:10,365 --> 01:09:13,452
You heard what the doc said,
it's over, okay?
1249
01:09:13,535 --> 01:09:15,954
That's it. Please, leave me alone!
1250
01:09:16,038 --> 01:09:18,165
- Charlie.
- Don't "Charlie" me!
1251
01:09:19,416 --> 01:09:20,250
You have a life!
1252
01:09:20,334 --> 01:09:22,336
You have your music, so run.
1253
01:09:22,419 --> 01:09:25,547
Run for the hills, kid.
It's over. I'm telling you, it's over.
1254
01:09:25,631 --> 01:09:29,051
Please, I just wanna be alone!
1255
01:09:29,134 --> 01:09:31,720
- I'm not going anywhere.
- I don't want you to stay!
1256
01:09:32,596 --> 01:09:36,016
You hear me? What are you staying for?
1257
01:09:36,975 --> 01:09:40,312
What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!
1258
01:09:40,396 --> 01:09:42,022
That's not true, Charlie.
1259
01:09:44,108 --> 01:09:46,026
I'm lost. I'm...
1260
01:09:47,361 --> 01:09:48,751
Help, help, help. I'm lost.
1261
01:10:00,076 --> 01:10:01,703
Whose room did this used to be?
1262
01:10:02,394 --> 01:10:03,421
Francine's.
1263
01:10:03,446 --> 01:10:05,073
That explains the chill.
1264
01:10:05,615 --> 01:10:06,783
Something wrong?
1265
01:10:06,866 --> 01:10:08,034
I can't sleep.
1266
01:10:08,656 --> 01:10:09,657
What's up?
1267
01:10:10,161 --> 01:10:12,747
- I wrote something.
- That's good.
1268
01:10:12,830 --> 01:10:14,999
- I wanna read it to you.
- Okay.
1269
01:10:15,083 --> 01:10:16,250
This is my journal.
1270
01:10:16,751 --> 01:10:19,379
I've been writing stuff
for the book in it
1271
01:10:19,462 --> 01:10:21,547
because typing
has become a problem for me.
1272
01:10:21,631 --> 01:10:23,007
I know.
1273
01:10:25,468 --> 01:10:26,928
The book is called For Carrie.
1274
01:10:27,553 --> 01:10:28,930
This is the dedication.
1275
01:10:29,013 --> 01:10:31,891
A writer always dedicates the book
to somebody he loves...
1276
01:10:31,975 --> 01:10:33,726
- I know what it means.
- Okay.
1277
01:10:36,813 --> 01:10:38,273
"To Emma Payge.
1278
01:10:39,649 --> 01:10:43,444
Thank you for taking my truth
and making it more interesting.
1279
01:10:44,279 --> 01:10:46,781
I kind of love you. CB."
1280
01:10:48,839 --> 01:10:49,673
Hey, Emma.
1281
01:10:52,510 --> 01:10:54,386
I'm grateful to you that you're here.
1282
01:10:55,429 --> 01:10:57,973
I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.
1283
01:10:58,057 --> 01:10:59,517
I want to not be scared.
1284
01:11:00,142 --> 01:11:02,978
And I wanna write the book,
and I wanna do all of that with you.
1285
01:11:03,062 --> 01:11:04,688
But you have to promise me something.
1286
01:11:05,940 --> 01:11:07,107
When it's time...
1287
01:11:08,776 --> 01:11:10,569
you go back out and sing.
1288
01:11:10,653 --> 01:11:12,780
You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.
1289
01:11:12,863 --> 01:11:14,031
Please, promise me.
1290
01:11:15,533 --> 01:11:16,367
I promise.
1291
01:11:16,909 --> 01:11:17,743
Good.
1292
01:11:19,745 --> 01:11:21,831
I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?
1293
01:11:22,456 --> 01:11:23,624
Hell, yeah.
1294
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:27,378
- Good night.
- Good night.
1295
01:11:41,606 --> 01:11:45,068
I must've dozed off.
These new meds are making me very sleepy.
1296
01:11:45,151 --> 01:11:47,737
I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.
1297
01:11:49,864 --> 01:11:51,491
- What do you have there?
- Nothing.
1298
01:11:52,617 --> 01:11:53,743
Let me see.
1299
01:11:55,203 --> 01:11:56,037
The...
1300
01:11:56,788 --> 01:11:59,999
- It's that...
- Emma, I know what it is.
1301
01:12:01,209 --> 01:12:04,962
I know you said get rid of it,
but it's just so beautiful.
1302
01:12:05,046 --> 01:12:05,880
Give it to me.
1303
01:12:18,786 --> 01:12:20,913
Carrie painted this. Yeah.
1304
01:12:21,896 --> 01:12:26,150
See, she put her name in the bushes.
See there? In the trees.
1305
01:12:29,737 --> 01:12:31,406
This is Lake Charlie.
1306
01:12:31,489 --> 01:12:33,491
Lake Charlie. Where's that?
1307
01:12:33,574 --> 01:12:37,203
That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.
1308
01:12:38,997 --> 01:12:41,165
Carrie gave me a lake for my birthday.
1309
01:12:41,249 --> 01:12:42,333
A lake?
1310
01:12:42,417 --> 01:12:45,044
Yeah. It was actually a pond.
1311
01:12:45,128 --> 01:12:49,048
But Pond Charlie
didn't sound as good as Lake Charlie.
1312
01:12:49,132 --> 01:12:50,008
Wait.
1313
01:12:50,675 --> 01:12:51,676
What?
1314
01:12:52,885 --> 01:12:55,847
Tell me all about Lake Charlie.
1315
01:12:55,872 --> 01:12:56,999
Okay.
1316
01:12:58,184 --> 01:12:59,769
It's my 40th birthday.
1317
01:13:00,241 --> 01:13:03,077
We had a party outside in the garden.
1318
01:13:03,160 --> 01:13:04,787
And after everybody was gone...
1319
01:13:05,496 --> 01:13:08,249
Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area
1320
01:13:08,332 --> 01:13:09,708
with this beautiful lake on it.
1321
01:13:09,792 --> 01:13:13,045
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.
1322
01:13:13,546 --> 01:13:16,048
For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?
1323
01:13:17,007 --> 01:13:19,176
It's called Lake Charlie.
1324
01:13:19,260 --> 01:13:20,427
Lake Charlie?
1325
01:13:20,511 --> 01:13:22,847
She was always trying to get me
to stop working.
1326
01:13:22,930 --> 01:13:26,684
And just be alone with her and do nothing.
1327
01:13:26,767 --> 01:13:30,855
And honestly the thought of doing nothing
terrified me, you know?
1328
01:13:32,773 --> 01:13:35,234
But I loved her so much
and it meant so much to her
1329
01:13:35,317 --> 01:13:39,864
that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.
1330
01:13:39,947 --> 01:13:41,532
Can you imagine me in a tent?
1331
01:13:41,615 --> 01:13:46,120
I mean, to me, the great outdoors
would be a lot better if it was indoors.
1332
01:13:46,203 --> 01:13:47,913
Good morning!
1333
01:13:52,168 --> 01:13:56,005
That smells good.
Smells better than me.
1334
01:13:59,049 --> 01:14:00,968
Wow... Whoa! Look what you did.
1335
01:14:05,556 --> 01:14:06,974
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah?
1336
01:14:07,600 --> 01:14:09,435
- You know what I think?
- What?
1337
01:14:10,186 --> 01:14:13,355
- I think we need a house.
- A house?
1338
01:14:13,439 --> 01:14:14,440
Yeah.
1339
01:14:15,024 --> 01:14:16,442
The kids will love it up here.
1340
01:14:17,610 --> 01:14:20,237
- Kids?
- Didn't I tell you?
1341
01:14:22,156 --> 01:14:24,492
And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.
1342
01:14:25,993 --> 01:14:28,329
So she went looking for a house.
1343
01:14:28,412 --> 01:14:30,498
Wait, didn't you guys build a house?
1344
01:14:30,581 --> 01:14:32,416
Oh, no, that's way too easy for Carrie.
1345
01:14:32,500 --> 01:14:35,085
She scoured the countryside
then she found this little house,
1346
01:14:35,169 --> 01:14:37,421
she bought it and lifted it up,
1347
01:14:37,505 --> 01:14:40,382
put it on a flatbed truck
and she drove it to Lake Charlie.
1348
01:14:40,466 --> 01:14:43,177
Got a house, Charlie Burnz!
1349
01:14:45,221 --> 01:14:46,555
Thank you.
1350
01:14:46,639 --> 01:14:48,724
So we put in a new foundation,
1351
01:14:48,808 --> 01:14:51,310
plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,
1352
01:14:51,393 --> 01:14:53,896
painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.
1353
01:14:53,979 --> 01:14:55,397
It was our happy place.
1354
01:14:55,481 --> 01:14:58,692
Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!
1355
01:14:58,776 --> 01:14:59,819
She was right.
1356
01:14:59,902 --> 01:15:02,029
Daddy, come on. Are you playing or not?
1357
01:15:02,112 --> 01:15:03,656
The kids loved it.
1358
01:15:04,865 --> 01:15:07,701
Now I know why
you didn't wanna hang the picture.
1359
01:15:09,453 --> 01:15:10,579
No, you don't.
1360
01:15:13,415 --> 01:15:15,543
I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.
1361
01:15:15,626 --> 01:15:18,921
Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.
1362
01:15:19,797 --> 01:15:21,590
I'm not going anywhere yet.
1363
01:15:25,469 --> 01:15:29,849
Okay. My first Broadway play,
It's My Time,
1364
01:15:29,932 --> 01:15:31,392
{\an8}opened up at the Belasco Theatre.
1365
01:15:31,851 --> 01:15:35,437
{\an8}Reviews were terrific, business was great,
but that wasn't enough for me.
1366
01:15:35,521 --> 01:15:37,606
The star was an actor named Jerry Orbach,
1367
01:15:37,690 --> 01:15:40,192
and there was this one speech
late in the second act.
1368
01:15:40,276 --> 01:15:43,154
It never landed right. It drove me crazy.
1369
01:15:43,237 --> 01:15:45,698
All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.
1370
01:15:51,120 --> 01:15:54,498
Things were tense...
1371
01:15:55,749 --> 01:15:57,209
between the two of us.
1372
01:15:58,169 --> 01:15:59,795
I'd been working so much.
1373
01:15:59,879 --> 01:16:00,963
What are we doing?
1374
01:16:01,046 --> 01:16:04,633
I'd been on the road for four months
with the play before it came to Broadway.
1375
01:16:04,717 --> 01:16:07,428
And everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together
1376
01:16:07,511 --> 01:16:09,805
at Lake Charlie, and what was I doing?
1377
01:16:09,889 --> 01:16:12,600
I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.
1378
01:16:12,683 --> 01:16:15,603
Charlie, we have to go right now.
1379
01:16:16,103 --> 01:16:18,522
Jefferson will be awful.
I don't like driving in the dark.
1380
01:16:18,606 --> 01:16:21,484
My mom's got the kids there waiting.
We should have left an hour ago.
1381
01:16:21,567 --> 01:16:24,111
I had to rewrite a speech for Jerry.
It wasn't landing right.
1382
01:16:24,195 --> 01:16:26,155
Great. Okay. That's just great.
1383
01:16:26,238 --> 01:16:28,574
He's reading it.
I wanna make sure it's okay with him.
1384
01:16:28,657 --> 01:16:32,661
You wanna make sure it's okay with him?
With him? How about with me?
1385
01:16:32,745 --> 01:16:35,498
How about your kids
who you haven't seen for months?
1386
01:16:35,581 --> 01:16:37,166
You promised me. You promised us.
1387
01:16:37,249 --> 01:16:40,419
Stop yelling. Five minutes,
I promise. I'll be right in and right out.
1388
01:16:40,503 --> 01:16:42,838
- The kids are waiting.
- I understand. I'll be right out.
1389
01:16:42,922 --> 01:16:45,090
The people are in line,
the show goes up in an hour.
1390
01:16:45,174 --> 01:16:46,926
- Five minutes?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1391
01:16:47,009 --> 01:16:49,762
I know you're upset,
but I hate when you get like this.
1392
01:16:49,845 --> 01:16:52,973
If you're not back in five minutes,
I'm leaving without you.
1393
01:16:53,057 --> 01:16:56,936
I heard you, okay? I heard you.
Goddamn it.
1394
01:17:01,106 --> 01:17:04,944
It took 15 minutes.
When I came out she was gone.
1395
01:17:05,778 --> 01:17:11,116
I was angry. So I watched the show,
that damn speech still didn't land right.
1396
01:17:11,200 --> 01:17:14,078
I had a couple of drinks with Jerry
and then I came back here...
1397
01:17:15,788 --> 01:17:18,749
And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.
1398
01:17:19,917 --> 01:17:25,589
And a policeman in the doorway
asking me my name over and over again.
1399
01:17:27,258 --> 01:17:29,844
And I'm thinking if I don't answer him,
1400
01:17:29,927 --> 01:17:33,180
then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.
1401
01:17:41,397 --> 01:17:45,568
He told me Carrie was driving
on this dark road right near the house.
1402
01:17:45,651 --> 01:17:47,653
She came to this fork in the road,
1403
01:17:48,904 --> 01:17:52,700
and some kid loaded on pills
driving a Jeep ran the stop sign.
1404
01:17:55,286 --> 01:17:56,745
And he hit her head-on.
1405
01:17:58,414 --> 01:17:59,707
She died instantly.
1406
01:18:00,875 --> 01:18:02,668
Kid walked away without a scratch.
1407
01:18:04,670 --> 01:18:07,548
The last time I saw that beautiful face
she was mad at me.
1408
01:18:10,301 --> 01:18:13,179
That's why I can't look
at that picture anymore.
1409
01:18:13,971 --> 01:18:17,141
It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.
1410
01:18:25,742 --> 01:18:26,701
I'm sorry.
1411
01:18:28,777 --> 01:18:29,903
Me too.
1412
01:18:38,432 --> 01:18:41,644
- You need anything from the store?
- Wonton soup.
1413
01:18:42,221 --> 01:18:44,203
I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy...
1414
01:18:44,271 --> 01:18:46,524
- Charlie.
- What?
1415
01:18:48,000 --> 01:18:50,046
I'm just kidding.
1416
01:18:50,105 --> 01:18:53,775
Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we can do some day? It could be fun.
1417
01:18:54,318 --> 01:18:58,572
Ever been to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?
You ever been there?
1418
01:18:58,655 --> 01:19:01,199
It's a lot of fun.
It's pretty amazing what they do.
1419
01:19:06,872 --> 01:19:09,374
Okay. Sure.
1420
01:19:27,976 --> 01:19:32,898
You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.
1421
01:19:36,526 --> 01:19:38,278
- Hi!
- Hi.
1422
01:19:38,362 --> 01:19:41,490
Come on in. Come on in.
This is a surprise.
1423
01:19:41,573 --> 01:19:44,868
What's the matter?
You look very upset. What's wrong?
1424
01:19:44,952 --> 01:19:46,703
I had a fight with my mom.
1425
01:19:46,787 --> 01:19:48,497
She said you were
drunk and embarrassing.
1426
01:19:48,580 --> 01:19:51,083
I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.
1427
01:19:51,166 --> 01:19:53,710
Why did she keep you away from me?
She said something awful.
1428
01:19:53,794 --> 01:19:56,129
- Does she know where you are?
- She thinks I'm at school.
1429
01:19:56,213 --> 01:19:57,756
- How did you get here?
- Uber.
1430
01:19:57,839 --> 01:20:00,759
- We should tell her you're here.
- No! She'll be so mad at me.
1431
01:20:00,842 --> 01:20:04,304
- But Lindsay...
- Please. I just have to know if it's true.
1432
01:20:04,388 --> 01:20:05,889
Is what true?
1433
01:20:07,849 --> 01:20:10,727
She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.
1434
01:20:11,520 --> 01:20:12,980
She said that to you?
1435
01:20:13,063 --> 01:20:15,816
I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.
1436
01:20:18,068 --> 01:20:19,444
No, Lindsay, no.
1437
01:20:20,195 --> 01:20:21,446
Okay.
1438
01:20:25,575 --> 01:20:27,452
Lindsay never made it to school, Rex.
1439
01:20:27,536 --> 01:20:30,497
She used my Uber account
and guess where she took it to.
1440
01:20:31,999 --> 01:20:37,337
I got your wonton soup but the chef said
that you need to use extra conditioner...
1441
01:20:38,380 --> 01:20:39,673
Charlie!
1442
01:20:40,799 --> 01:20:44,720
I got some short ribs, it'll be so good.
1443
01:20:45,971 --> 01:20:46,847
Charlie?
1444
01:20:48,307 --> 01:20:50,892
Charlie? Charlie!
1445
01:20:52,894 --> 01:20:57,024
Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.
1446
01:20:57,107 --> 01:20:59,484
Hey. Where is she?
1447
01:20:59,568 --> 01:21:02,738
- How'd you get in here?
- We grew up here. Where is she?
1448
01:21:02,821 --> 01:21:03,989
- Who?
- My daughter Lindsay.
1449
01:21:04,072 --> 01:21:05,449
And our father. Where's our dad?
1450
01:21:05,532 --> 01:21:06,783
- Lindsay!
- Dad!
1451
01:21:06,867 --> 01:21:09,661
Nobody's here. I just got home myself.
1452
01:21:09,745 --> 01:21:11,496
- Home?
- Do you live here?
1453
01:21:11,580 --> 01:21:14,499
- I moved in a few days ago.
- Oh, lovely.
1454
01:21:14,583 --> 01:21:16,668
- Your dad needs me right now.
- I bet he does.
1455
01:21:17,711 --> 01:21:20,005
You might want
to rethink your attitude, Francine.
1456
01:21:20,589 --> 01:21:22,883
What is this? What is all this about?
1457
01:21:23,383 --> 01:21:25,594
Research for a project he's working on.
1458
01:21:25,677 --> 01:21:28,472
- With our names under the pictures?
- He doesn't know who we are?
1459
01:21:28,555 --> 01:21:29,640
Not all the time.
1460
01:21:30,636 --> 01:21:32,137
Your father's sick.
1461
01:21:33,310 --> 01:21:36,396
He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.
1462
01:21:37,321 --> 01:21:38,906
He can't be alone anymore.
1463
01:21:39,790 --> 01:21:42,292
That's why I moved in, Francine.
1464
01:21:42,611 --> 01:21:47,199
I'm his friend. He's writing a book about
your family and I'm helping him finish it.
1465
01:21:48,325 --> 01:21:50,577
- I can't believe this.
- We had no idea.
1466
01:21:50,661 --> 01:21:52,704
Because you're too busy
being pissed at him.
1467
01:21:53,382 --> 01:21:56,635
Pretty soon before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.
1468
01:21:56,660 --> 01:21:58,078
But you'll remember him.
1469
01:21:58,817 --> 01:22:02,946
He's done a very good job at beating
himself up without you guys piling on.
1470
01:22:02,971 --> 01:22:04,807
You were very happy once.
1471
01:22:05,081 --> 01:22:07,709
It can happen again if you let it.
1472
01:22:08,523 --> 01:22:11,568
- How do we find them?
- I put a GPS on his phone.
1473
01:22:11,830 --> 01:22:13,665
Okay. Let me see.
1474
01:22:17,398 --> 01:22:20,442
- No. No, no, no.
- It's here. It's here.
1475
01:22:21,356 --> 01:22:23,316
Where the hell are they?
1476
01:22:23,820 --> 01:22:26,281
If she's still using my Uber account,
we can find them.
1477
01:22:50,596 --> 01:22:51,972
I cannot believe this.
1478
01:22:52,055 --> 01:22:55,225
- Hey. What's wrong?
- Longer trip than I thought.
1479
01:22:55,309 --> 01:22:57,811
You give five star. I accept nothing less.
1480
01:22:57,894 --> 01:22:59,271
Is this the best way to go?
1481
01:23:00,981 --> 01:23:02,566
This is all my fault.
1482
01:23:02,649 --> 01:23:04,860
She overheard what I said to you.
We got in a fight...
1483
01:23:04,943 --> 01:23:08,071
- She heard that?
- Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?
1484
01:23:08,155 --> 01:23:11,783
- What if he does something crazy?
- What's he gonna do, Francine?
1485
01:23:11,867 --> 01:23:16,455
- What's gonna happen?
- He loves Lindsay. Nothing will happen.
1486
01:23:16,538 --> 01:23:18,040
How can you be so sure?
1487
01:23:18,707 --> 01:23:20,250
I know him.
1488
01:23:28,216 --> 01:23:31,887
Papa! Where are you going? Come back!
1489
01:23:36,058 --> 01:23:40,354
- Please stop!
- Hey, what about my five stars?!
1490
01:23:43,607 --> 01:23:46,735
Oh, God! Lindsay, honey, are you okay?
1491
01:23:46,818 --> 01:23:48,487
Papa Charlie ran away!
1492
01:23:48,570 --> 01:23:51,448
He told the driver to pull over,
jumped out of the car and ran.
1493
01:23:51,531 --> 01:23:53,325
I'm scared. I'm in the woods.
1494
01:23:53,408 --> 01:23:56,244
Lindsay, don't worry. Look around.
Can you see anything?
1495
01:23:56,328 --> 01:23:57,454
I can see the road.
1496
01:23:57,537 --> 01:24:00,374
Go there. Go to the road.
We're gonna find you.
1497
01:24:07,798 --> 01:24:09,675
Mom! Mom!
1498
01:24:12,636 --> 01:24:13,887
Lindsay!
1499
01:24:15,430 --> 01:24:16,640
Sweetheart.
1500
01:24:19,768 --> 01:24:21,270
Come on. Back in the car.
1501
01:24:21,353 --> 01:24:25,691
- Oh, my God. Rex.
- I know. Let's find him.
1502
01:24:35,450 --> 01:24:36,618
Dad?
1503
01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:38,537
- Papa Charlie?
- Dad?
1504
01:24:38,620 --> 01:24:40,622
- Charlie?
- Papa Charlie?
1505
01:24:40,706 --> 01:24:44,293
No, Dad. No. Please, Dad. Dad?
1506
01:24:44,376 --> 01:24:46,044
- Charlie?
- Dad?
1507
01:24:47,890 --> 01:24:49,433
Charlie!
1508
01:24:49,458 --> 01:24:50,543
Papa Charlie!
1509
01:24:51,091 --> 01:24:52,926
Charlie!
1510
01:24:54,313 --> 01:24:58,150
- Dad! Dad!
- Charlie!
1511
01:24:58,175 --> 01:25:00,844
- Papa Charlie!
- Dad!
1512
01:25:00,869 --> 01:25:03,455
- Charlie!
- Dad!
1513
01:25:08,087 --> 01:25:09,213
Charlie!
1514
01:25:11,674 --> 01:25:12,842
Charlie.
1515
01:25:17,268 --> 01:25:21,064
- Hey. You're okay?
- My feet are wet.
1516
01:25:21,147 --> 01:25:22,398
Mine are too.
1517
01:25:23,733 --> 01:25:25,360
Are you okay? You look so upset.
1518
01:25:25,443 --> 01:25:27,278
I'm just happy to see you.
1519
01:25:27,362 --> 01:25:28,655
Dad.
1520
01:25:31,574 --> 01:25:33,034
What are you doing here?
1521
01:25:34,244 --> 01:25:35,453
Hi.
1522
01:25:36,621 --> 01:25:40,792
I wanted to show Lindsay Lake Charlie.
1523
01:25:41,626 --> 01:25:43,336
This is our happy place.
1524
01:25:44,754 --> 01:25:46,881
See, on sunsets we stand right here.
1525
01:25:47,507 --> 01:25:53,638
And we'd watch the sun go down there
and "Bye-bye sun. Bye-bye sun."
1526
01:25:53,721 --> 01:25:54,847
Somebody would say that.
1527
01:25:54,931 --> 01:25:56,474
That was me, Dad.
1528
01:25:57,767 --> 01:26:00,019
- I said that.
- Yeah.
1529
01:26:06,276 --> 01:26:08,486
- I'm sorry about your mother.
- No.
1530
01:26:08,570 --> 01:26:11,865
- Dad, you don't have to.
- No, I have to. I have to, Rex.
1531
01:26:12,365 --> 01:26:14,742
Let me finish
because I'm running out of words.
1532
01:26:19,163 --> 01:26:21,541
Francine, I was not
the reason your mom died.
1533
01:26:23,501 --> 01:26:26,254
That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.
1534
01:26:27,380 --> 01:26:30,717
And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.
1535
01:26:30,800 --> 01:26:33,177
And she died mad at me.
1536
01:26:35,471 --> 01:26:37,891
I can't leave here
knowing that you're mad at me too.
1537
01:26:40,226 --> 01:26:45,356
I can't undo it. I can't undo it.
There's no rewrites this time.
1538
01:26:45,440 --> 01:26:48,902
Come on. Relax. Relax your hands.
1539
01:26:50,069 --> 01:26:52,030
No more fists. Relax your hands.
1540
01:26:56,993 --> 01:27:00,538
Dad. Why didn't you tell us?
1541
01:27:03,041 --> 01:27:05,919
Because I didn't know how.
1542
01:27:08,296 --> 01:27:09,255
And I was scared.
1543
01:27:10,632 --> 01:27:11,549
Of what?
1544
01:27:12,425 --> 01:27:15,178
That maybe you wouldn't care.
1545
01:27:15,261 --> 01:27:16,554
Oh, Dad.
1546
01:27:19,515 --> 01:27:20,975
Forgive me. Please.
1547
01:27:22,143 --> 01:27:24,437
Forgive me so I could forgive myself.
1548
01:27:24,520 --> 01:27:27,273
Because the sight of
your angry eyes keeps me up at night
1549
01:27:27,357 --> 01:27:30,443
and gives me the sweats,
and there's no more time for that.
1550
01:27:30,527 --> 01:27:33,112
There's no more time. I'm here today.
1551
01:27:33,196 --> 01:27:35,323
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
1552
01:27:35,406 --> 01:27:40,119
Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.
1553
01:27:40,662 --> 01:27:44,415
- I love you, Pop.
- Is there room for me?
1554
01:27:44,499 --> 01:27:46,668
- Come here, sweetie.
- I love you too, you know?
1555
01:27:49,671 --> 01:27:51,798
Emma. Emma. Come here.
1556
01:27:57,053 --> 01:27:59,597
Oh, God. What a long time between hugs.
1557
01:28:10,066 --> 01:28:13,361
Mom was always inventing days
for the kids.
1558
01:28:13,444 --> 01:28:15,530
Kids loved "Backwards Day" the best.
1559
01:28:15,613 --> 01:28:17,991
We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.
1560
01:28:18,074 --> 01:28:19,993
No, Pop. It was "Upside-down Day."
1561
01:28:20,076 --> 01:28:23,246
God, I love that.
We would have cake for breakfast.
1562
01:28:23,329 --> 01:28:24,664
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.
1563
01:28:24,747 --> 01:28:26,833
Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?
1564
01:28:26,916 --> 01:28:30,837
- Absolutely.
- Anything for you. Is it upside-down day?
1565
01:28:30,920 --> 01:28:32,422
Yeah. Upside-down day.
1566
01:28:33,214 --> 01:28:35,133
I got it. Upside-down day is great.
1567
01:28:35,216 --> 01:28:37,260
- Yeah?
- This will be really good.
1568
01:28:37,343 --> 01:28:38,428
Okay.
1569
01:28:42,515 --> 01:28:46,811
Hey, Rex, tell them the story about
when Dad was barbecuing outside
1570
01:28:46,895 --> 01:28:49,314
he was making all these hot dogs
and a bear came.
1571
01:28:49,898 --> 01:28:51,649
That's a really good story.
1572
01:28:51,733 --> 01:28:57,238
- Okay, so I think it was July 4th.
- Dad loves 4th of Julys.
1573
01:29:02,202 --> 01:29:03,620
It's beautiful here.
1574
01:29:09,375 --> 01:29:10,710
Are you okay?
1575
01:29:14,885 --> 01:29:15,803
I'm here.
1576
01:29:18,239 --> 01:29:21,326
It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.
1577
01:29:25,455 --> 01:29:27,999
Come on. Don't wanna miss it.
1578
01:29:31,419 --> 01:29:33,046
This is gonna be a beauty.
1579
01:29:33,964 --> 01:29:35,966
Okay, that looks so beautiful.
1580
01:30:21,499 --> 01:30:23,126
Goodbye, old man.